What's become of my life?

So often, we underestimate the challenges that can come our way.  One day, we're experts on making bread, the next it's all about what is happening to the T-cells and B-cells, neutropenia and thrombocytopenia.  Most parents ask their kids if they got their homework done, I ask how many bowel movements they had so I can estimate how many nutrients were lost and if the pancreatic enzymes are doing their job!  Never did I think medical terminology would be the focus of my day.   

As usual, today was filled with appointments for Shelbie.  Spencer is back at school, not really feeling better but not contagious either. Of course, he's behind, averaging 'D's and I am having a hard time really caring about that.  Shelbie's PICC line broke loose this morning from the stitches she had just two weeks ago.  That was traumatic to say the least.  When we went in for her CBC, they could not get a blood return from the PICC line.  They spent 15 minutes flushing it but it seemed a useless effort.  They can't decide if she has a clot or if the line has been misplaced and is up against a valve that blocks the tubing for any blood return.  It's only slightly unnerving.  On a good note though, her counts were good.  Well, her platelets at least were up to 140!  It's hard to remember when they were that good.  Her other counts are still struggling in the very low ranges.  This truly could be the beginning of remission for the ITP at least.

 What becomes of life now?  How do we shift gears after being stuck for so long on this white knuckle amusement ride that turned my stomach inside out?  How do I move beyond?  When do I stop looking for signs of internal bleeding or petechaie and trust that she is going to be okay or will I always be waiting for it to come back? Chemo only bought her time, not a cure.  It could come back on any day without warning in 3 months or 3 years.  There are no answers.  Rainer Maria Rilke said, "...have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."

I cannot say that I love these questions and I hate locked rooms and foreign languages.  Somedays, it's paralyzing and maybe compounded slightly by the fact that I have to do it all alone.  At the end of the day, it's just me trying to figure it all out.  It's times like this a loving spouse would be a nice accessory to my life but that's not likely to happen.  I do know this, despite how hard it can be at times, it will all come together and make sense some day if I can just keep God in the driver's seat and hang on for the ride as wild as it may seem some days.



  1. What a scary feeling. I wish I had answers. I wish I could say "I can only imagine" but I kind of understand what you are feeling, even if my situation isn't quite the same. You have an amazing attitude and such a profound understanding of adversity, but I'm sure you'd rather just be good at baking bread instead of an expert at suffering. I hope you get a smooth ride for a long time.


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