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Showing posts from December, 2012

And then they're gone!

One minute you are enjoying the company of a really great person and then next day they are gone, just gone!

I have had the great privilege and blessing of taking care of my sweet neighbor for the past several months.  She has been a blessing and a light in my life but today, she passed away.  Was it expected?  I guess some may argue that it was but I wasn't expecting her to pass away.  I always thought she would be here forever, one of those things that never changes, a permanent fixture in my life.  

Three weeks ago, I had to call the ambulance to take her to the hospital.  I stayed with her everyday she was in the hospital.  Two weeks ago, she was moved to the nursing home and I stayed with her there every single day.  I straightened her blankets, gave her hand massages, ran her errands but most importantly, I showed up because she loved me and she made me smile. Call me selfish.

We had so much in common even though there was a 30 year age difference.  Carma always had somethin…

The problem with denial

As you know, I am the queen of denial.  I tend to think if you just ignore it, it will go away.  That works most of the time but then at some point, all the things you've been ignoring catch up to you!  Dang, I wish I could remember that part of the denial formula...

This week,you know what sort of it the fan.  The kids are falling apart and it's my fault.  So, now we get our act together and try to catch up on all this stuff.

We have cavities to deal with, infected wisdom teeth, swollen joints,  wrecked shoulders,  breathing problems and that is just to name a few.  The kids are all complaining about their teeth hurting.  Even I have tooth problems.  I put mine off because I don't have insurance and you can't even sit in a dentist chair without having to pay half a million dollars just for sitting there.  I know I probably need a root canal.  Today I have shooting pain in my jaw and it's hot to the touch.  I am guessing I have an infection.  I am hoping to get by…

So, I was thinking...

You know, thinking is dangerous!  There should be a sticker on your brain that warns of the hazards that come with thinking.  I really shouldn't do it, but in an unguarded moment, I decided to do some thinking.  I know, scary!

So, I am pretty anxious about Samuel's upcoming surgery.  I am really worried that he is going to have a relapse of C-diff.  The last time he had surgery, C-diff almost killed the poor kid!  The doctor was just a few hours away from thinking he would have to tube feed him and life flight him to Boise!  It was a miracle that he pulled out of that but it wasn't until he had spent 2 weeks in the hospital and 6 weeks laying on an air mattress at home because everything had to be washed down several times a day with straight bleach!  I really don't have the energy to manage that again!

I am waiting on the insurance company to approve the surgery and then it will be done.  The doctor is hoping for later this week but I am thinking that realistically, …

Worse than expected

Today, we met with the surgeon to discuss Sam's knee.  All day yesterday, I kept feeling like Sam would not need surgery and the doctor would tell us that it would heal fine on it's own.  All through the night, I kept having the same recurring dream that Sam did not need surgery.

Well, I don't know what all that was about but Sam needs surgery!  The doctor looked at his knee, tugged on it, moved it around and said, "We will schedule surgery, there's nothing left to this knee."  THEN...he looked a the MRI and confirmed that the inside of his knee is shredded!  Shredded!!!, not just torn!

He went on to tell us that not only will he need surgery but his knee will have to be rebuilt.  Yes, rebuilt!  Not just stitched up a bit here and there but rebuilt!  (Do you love all the exclamation marks?)  We discussed two different methods of fixing it but they each require some spare parts like ligaments and tendons.  We could use cadaver parts but in the end, we decided…


“At the temple there is a poem called "Loss" carved into the stone. It has three words, but the poet has scratched them out. You cannot read loss, only feel it.” 
― Arthur GoldenMemoirs of a Geisha

I love this quote by Arthur Golden.  I would be hard pressed to describe in words how I feel as this year closes in and another one just about to begin.  Loss is a good start and the more I think about it, you really can't read about loss, you really can only feel it.  It is a heavy feeling that runs it's threads of emptiness throughout every piece of your life.  It finds each little corner and sobers it's edges and settles in just a little.

We have suffered many losses over the past year.  Some, you have read about here, others, you may have heard because of your proximity to me but then there are some that I have kept to myself and carried alone; losses that have felt too heavy to even dare to share.

I feel like I have become a part of the walking dead half the tim…

It's raining, it's pouring...I wish I were snoring...

When it rains, it pours and snows and gets a little foggy too!!  What a day!  Here's how it started...

6:00am run next door to make sure my sweet neighbor is okay.  She is dying from congestive heart failure.

6:30am jump in the shower

7:00am say good bye to Spencer has he heads to early morning Seminary.  He is limping and in excruciating pain.  Oh ya, I remember he told me he wiped out yesterday skiing.  Oh well...see ya later Spence.

7:15 am wake up Sam to help him into the shower and get ready for school.  He made a good attempt but then I was met with weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth; make a bed for him on the couch beside Shelbie.

7:25 am  run next door to check on my neighbor...not good.

8:00 am run the neighbor boy to school

8:15 am run to Walmart to get some things for my neighbor

8:40 am run home because I found out I have to have Christmas presents in the mail by noon so they can be overnighted to my parents so they can transport them to Canada with them.

8:45 …


Sam is my little metaphor for life these days.  When his accident happened, he had a pretty good attitude.  He didn't complain about the pain or the crutches that are really too short.  He was courageous and had a lot of energy both physical and mental.  Now that things have been dragging on for 6 days or so, he is wearing down.  He is exhausted and the pain is really starting to make him cranky.

It's kind of like life.  We get slammed with a trial but we feel hopeful and confident that we will have the stamina to face whatever comes our way.  We start out great.  We are cheerful and happy and people can't believe how positive we can be in the face of opposition.  Pretty soon, what we thought was only going to be a trial for a month or two ends up being a little longer, like forever let's just say.  The happy countenance gets a little tarnished and confidence takes a bit more effort.

Tomorrow, Sam has his MRI at the hospital...surprise, I guess they do in fact do MRI&…

I don't get it

I took Sam in to the doctor's today.  Our regular docs were out so we saw a different one.  I asked again if we could just schedule an MRI to see if there are any tears in Sam's knee that would need surgery.  If he is headed for surgery, I want it sooner than later.  Once again, I was told, it's too soon!!

What the heck do you mean it's too soon?!!  What are we waiting for?  The boy fell from a height of at least 4' and landed square on his knee, on a wood floor!  His knee took all the impact!  It is swollen to 3 times the size of his other leg and there is no recognizable knee cap!  I know kids who end up with knee surgery for way less impact than that.  If he escapes complications from this, it will be a major blessing!

We have had our fair share of broken things; ribs, more ribs, heads, ankle, foot, leg and back but I have never seen anything like this kind of tissue damage.  With the breaks, there was a little swelling but that's it.  I didn't know that…


I feel like I am living on a movie set!  I keep waiting for the director say "Cut!" and "That's a wrap!" but I never hear those words; nope, the plot just keeps getting thicker!  Today was a little unbelievable, even for me!

Shelbie had her IVIG today, as you know and it started out really good.  We had a great nurse who was so friendly and personable.  We loved her and she got the IV started on the first try!  That is a record this year!  That was about the only good thing today.  

Not even 10 minutes into the transfusion, she had a reaction.  Another bad one and she had problems breathing.  They acted quickly and shut it off and we all stood there staring at her wondering if she was going to be able to pull out of it or if they would have to start a steroid drip. In the middle of watching her, I got a call from the school.  It was Sam.  You know when you get a call at 10 in the morning from the school, they aren't calling to tell you what a great kid you …

IVIG tomorrow

Tomorrow is another IVIG day.  We are about 3 weeks late in getting this dose and boy can I tell. We've tried to get it sooner but so many people needed their pictures taken for Christmas cards and gifts that there wasn't a good time to schedule it.  Our doctor was a little miffed but you have to pick your battles. This is going to sound weird but I am 'excited' to see what her counts are.  Okay excited is not the word but neither is 'anxious'.  Let's go with curious.  I am curious to see what her blood is doing.

Everyday, there is a new crop of petechiae somewhere on her body.  She is having the hardest time controlling her body temperature, her blood pressure and a host of other problems.  IVIG will bump her platelets up and calm the dysautonomia.

I am really looking forward to Friday though.  Shelbie is slated to sing at the church Christmas party.  I am praying she will be able to sing without the companion of meningitis.  She is singing with the Bisho…