“At the temple there is a poem called "Loss" carved into the stone. It has three words, but the poet has scratched them out. You cannot read loss, only feel it.” 
― Arthur GoldenMemoirs of a Geisha

I love this quote by Arthur Golden.  I would be hard pressed to describe in words how I feel as this year closes in and another one just about to begin.  Loss is a good start and the more I think about it, you really can't read about loss, you really can only feel it.  It is a heavy feeling that runs it's threads of emptiness throughout every piece of your life.  It finds each little corner and sobers it's edges and settles in just a little.

We have suffered many losses over the past year.  Some, you have read about here, others, you may have heard because of your proximity to me but then there are some that I have kept to myself and carried alone; losses that have felt too heavy to even dare to share.

I feel like I have become a part of the walking dead half the time.  Tired.  I go through the motions, I smile when it's appropriate, ramble on when it's expected, then fill up my time, every second of my time with things to avoid thinking and feeling the losses.  I am already a fair distance away from this year, already escaping into next.

People usually feel the loss when something is gone.  It's strange to stare it down before anything has completely disappeared.  It's like a picture of something fading ever so slightly, vanishing one piece at a time and there is nothing you can do to stop it.  I think this is the hardest kind of loss.  I look at my kids and remember when the biggest problems we had were a random fever every now and again.  There were a couple of good years when everything was status quo.  I miss those years.  Now I look at them and see the little parts and pieces that no longer work, or are just plain breaking down.  Everyday, there seems to something else fading away.  That is loss.

My close friend is in the hospital and every day, I see her fading away and I want to sit her up and shake off the chronic fatigue and confusion that has veiled her body and watch it flutter off and away but instead, I watch the crudeness of life take it's toll.  That is loss.

Sometimes, I daydream and wonder what life would be like with the usual problems and stresses that get to people but then I remember, I do know what that feels like, I'm not exempt from the usual and customary hardships just because I got signed up for the chronic illness path.  There are days when I can't imagine having to go through one more day of this!  Then again, there are days when I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Among the loss,  there are lessons learned.   Things I wouldn't have learned any other way than the way they were taught.  I am more laid back than I use to be.  I make better use of my time.  I have learned that the house doesn't have to be clean and spotless everyday and laundry will still be there tomorrow or the next.  No matter what I have to do in a day, there is always time to help someone. Heaven forbid I ever become too absorbed in myself and my own trivial life to stop caring about others or worse to just not have time for them. Time is the difference between regret and blessed. Christmas neighbor treats that were once so important, seem to be a little less pressing this year and time with my kids I've learned, is time I want to relish in.  So, I guess like everything else in life, loss comes and may sit awhile on the front porch of your life but in sneaks contentment and that's okay.


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