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Creative destruction

Did you know that creation resides in the very same part of the brain that trauma does?   So, you don't have to travel far in your mind, to create something different from a traumatic experience that threatens to destroy you.

Last week, knowing we would have a week of anxious waiting, I made some calculated decisions; we would spend the week in creation; a week of creativity and access a part of our brains that would keep us from dwelling on a hard reality.   What I neglected to calculate though, was the time it would take to make this happen for Shelbie.  It has become an additional part time job which means I work my regular jobs from about 7:00 at night until the very wee hours of the morning, sleep for 3 hours or so, get up at 5:30 or 6 and work a few more hours until Shelbie is up and ready for more distraction. I'm still working about 9 hours in addition to driving Shelbie to photo shoots every day and creating things with her, and physical therapy for me.  I am tired.

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Family Shenanigans

Yesterday was Shelbie's birthday!  26 seems impossible that I have a 26 year old.  Ugh.

I'm still look around for an adult every single day to help me but then I realize that by some twist of sick fate, I am the adult!  I hardly seem like the best candidate to be a mom, I still feel like I'm an awkward 14 year old. 

At any rate...the weekend was incredibly difficult.  It's been a long time since we felt such blows.  Shelbie struggled every minute of every day and I was worried about how her birthday was going to turn out.  Spencer made it home to help celebrate and Sam arrived at about the same time as Spencer, from his week long trip to Oregon.  It was a huge blessing for them to be home.  They are Shelbie's 'Disco Ball' of fun!  The whole day turned around.

We didn't do anything special.  I worked my tail off on Monday, the boys took Shelbie in to Idaho Falls to buy a new camera.  Her camera broke on Saturday during a photo shoot.  Thankful…

The Day After

A day later, we have managed to keep breathing...figuratively and literally.

Things feel better today, in a odd sort of way.  Shelbie has been in a pretty decent mood all day.  I asked her how she managed that and she said she just feels numb.  Sometimes, numb is okay. I'm a little grateful for the week we have to let the reality settle in.  I am the kind of person who needs pondering time in order to make sense of it all.

"You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you."  Mary Tyler Moore

I have had so many opportunities to practice being brave and I never seem to pull that off very well.  This morning, I rededicated myself to the idea of bravery.  The more I thought about what that meant, it really only boils down to one thing...trusting in Heavenly Father; being brave enough to just let go of how you insist life should be and accept what is.   There isn't a huge laundry list of line items that require bravery and courage, just one sim…

The Beauty of Ruin

This beautiful, man made structure of majestic architecture, was built in the Land's End District near San Francisco in 1896.  It must have been stunning to see in person.  It is called the Sutro Baths; a privately owned, saltwater swimming pool and bath house on the edge of the Pacific Ocean.

Sadly, it burned to the ground in June of 1966.  Today, the Sutro Baths look like this.

Of all the pictures I took and places we visited last week, this was my favorite.  The sun was nearly set and the 'blue' hour was upon us.  Just a few people mingled on the beach.  We walked down to the edge of the ruins, still high above the beach below.  Our legs dangled underneath us as we teetered on the concrete wall.  The waves rolled onto the beach, steeping the sand in it's salty, watery serving of sea. Everything about this place was a paradox of beauty.  A testament to me that God does make beauty out of ashes, in a way that only God himself can do, and even more beautiful than anyth…

In a blink

Sometimes, all it takes for life to change, is a blink.  A fraction of a moment and the whole scene changes.  What is, becomes a, once was.

There's been an angst in the air, undertows of change.  I'm not sure what that is but I feel it coming. 

I had a lot of time to think over the past week, clear out a little space in my head to breathe.  I don't venture into my head very often, if at all.  Like a bulldozer, I just keep moving on through, pushing aside what isn't urgent, whether it's important or not.

So, in the blink of an eye, I took a plunge and registered for Alexandria, Virginia.  It all happened slowly at first...but then all at once, before I even realized what I had done, I received a scholarship, paid tuition and class starts on Monday.

I scraped together a little hope, some extra faith, a lot a prayer and now, I'm headed in a new direction into the field of Health and Wellness.  I am going to be focusing on functional medicine, not makin…


Today I had my first Occupational Therapy appointment.  I had no idea what to expect.  It was interesting and sad. 

I am not acquainted with the therapist but he is a member of the same church as me and I believe he is a Bishop or in a Bishopric.  He asked me what kinds of things I need to do with my hand.  I told him first and foremost, I need to be able to play the organ.    When he asked me, I had no idea he was a Mormon but I soon found out. 

He said, "Oh, an organ player.  Of course you can't play the organ with your hand like this.  I bet your Bishop is pretty worried about your hand?"

"Well," I said, "I don't believe he is.  Why would he be worried?"
"You have no idea how much a Bishop protects his organists do you?"  He said with a grin.

Ha ha...I guess we are few and far between at times.   I feel like I'm in a bigger mess than I thought but he is sure he can get things working again.  I have a lot of nerve damage.  One of t…

Vacation Time

We made it home from our winter vacation in July!

Somehow, I missed the memo that winter is July and August in San Francisco.  It was freezing the entire time.  So cold, we had to buy warmer clothes because we were dressed for a heat wave.  Instead, it was a cold snap.  Mid 50's were the high, with a brisk wind.

This was by far, one of the best experiences we have had in so long.  I think the one thing that made all the difference was that we didn't have any expectations.  We promised each other we would be laid back and let each day unfold.  Each evening, we talked about the must see/do for the following day and that was as far as we planned.  None of us were allowed to say NO.  Which meant...

We did things we would have never done.  We watched the Pelicans dine on an ocean buffet at sunset.  We fed the homeless.  Found ourselves in a back alley with a Hispanic gang.  We bought lunch for a man who spent 20 years in a Federal Prison.  We watched Sam do a back flip at every la…