Never in a million years

On the 4th of July weekend, I had a little visitor that I had not invited to my party for one!   

I got home a little late on the Friday after driving Shelbie down to meet her up with her dad for the long weekend.  I was straightening the house before bed and heard some noise in the garage.  Thinking I must have forgotten to close the overhead door and the neighbor kids were messing around, I opened the door to check.  

I immediately saw a large brown creature dash under my car!  I was horrified.  It was much larger than a mouse, even bigger than a squirrel.  I imagined all sorts of destruction if I left it in there all night so I called a couple of neighbors to see if they could help me find the critter but no one answered.  I braved the unknown and ran as fast as I could to my car to pull it out so I could see the lay of the land better.  I had a long broom handle to poke and move boxes around, hoping the scare whatever it was and it would leave the same way it came in.  I moved things around, cleaned out some stuff, swept the whole garage and found nothing.  

One of the neighbor boys was coming home late from a date so I beckoned him over to help me but honestly, we were both kind of scared of what would pop out.  

With a spotless garage, no signs of a critter, I pulled the car in and went to bed.  

The next morning, I got up early to beat the parade traffic so I could make a Walmart run.  I went out to the car and the garage was full of poop!! Everywhere I stepped were pellets of poop. I had a breakdown right then and there.  As I stood in the door melting down, I saw it again but still couldn't figure out what it was.  

Okay, long story short...I called Spencer, knowing he would still be at home and not with the rest of the family, so I wasn't crying alone.  I knew there was nothing he could do.  I Facetimed him all the poop and the mess the garage was.  As he was trying to calm me down, it ran out from the winter tires stored in the back corner and there is sat, looking at me like I was a crazy person. 

A rabbit!  I was so mad!  I had to lay down a trail of lettuce and water in order to get him out and then the silly thing hopped right over to my neighbors yard and fell in the window well.  I had pity on the dumb animal and my elderly neighbor too and one of the little kids playing on the street, helped me rescue it. 

This story is not about the rabbit in my garage.  It's about my broken brain. 

After years of living in chronic stress and constant fight and flight, I'm broken.  I over react to the simplest of things and under react to important things.  There is no equilibrium.

I've started to see the effects of my life.  I was recently diagnosed with diabetes, this after a serious flare in Lupus and Ankylosing Spondylitis and before that, nearly two months of Shingles.  I have gotten nowhere with regular docs and in fact, I'm pretty sure my high blood sugar is a result of over medicating me with Prednisone...part of the stress hormone family.  Despite the fact that I know my adrenals are dead, the doctors argue with me about this point and keep creating more problems with covering up symptoms instead of treating the root cause. 

So, I've given up on traditional medicine.  I'm so tired of paying a thousand dollars a month for health insurance and all I have received in return is diabetes. 

This past week, I decided to pay for a personal dietician who specializes in hormones and autoimmune diseases.  I had a discovery call with her and she thinks she can turn things around in about 3 months.  So, my journey starts this week.  It's not cheap but I literally have nothing to lose.  My left leg and foot has been swollen for months from dozens of cysts and the doctor has done nothing.  The joints in my hands are painful and doubled in size.  Then, there is the fact I have no hormones of any variety.   

She is going to put me on a food plan, order blood work and hormone testing and help me reset my gut microbiome and bunch of other stuff.  I am putting a lot of faith in her and me.  I think we accept poor health with a shake of our shoulders but I am going down with a fight, not a fistful of prescriptions.  I am bound and determined to feel better, to really feel better. 

Nearly two months ago, my therapist retired and there was really no exit plan and that has been challenging.  I realized how much I was benefitting from a regular visit and how it has kept me off anti depressants and anti anxiety.  So, this is another challenge I need to work on.  This new chapter of life with the boys managing their health on their own is hard!  Shelbie is hard.  It's getting harder and I am not afraid to admit, it helps to have someone to talk to.  If I had a husband, it might be different, but it's just me.  I can't tell all my worries to my kids and my friends really don't care anymore so that's the next thing I am going to work on...

I have already started doing things I never thought in a million years I would ever do let alone believe in enough to try like...breathing!  Breathing seems so stupid to me but everyday, twice a day, you will find me doing 5 minutes of mindful breathing.  I start every morning with an ice cold shower to wake up my nervous system.  I've given up my Diet Coke habit.  I'm totally off gluten, grains and added sugar and I've cut down on dairy.   Basically, I have no joy in life, unless cabbage and kale is your thing.   It been really hard but I know if something doesn't change soon, I will be disabled or dead in a short amount of time. 

So, here's to a new direction.  Here's hoping food really is medicine.