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Showing posts from June, 2017


This week has been sponsored by 'Words'.

Words that cut.
Words that question.
Words that appease.
Words that mean nothing.
Words that mean everything.
Words that bind, keeping a person in their place.
Words that crush.
Words that injure.
Words that lie.
Words that roll easily off the tongue without looking back.
Words that nick and mar as they stumble out and upon.
Words that are wild with anger.
Words that burn.
Words that ache and words that offend.
Words that are sad, crushing and confused.
Words that once spoken, will never be forgotten.

But then, when the words had all been said and what was done had been done...

There were other words.

Words that mended.
Words of truth.
Words to  heal.
Words of meaning.
Words that connect.
Words that build.
Words so softly spoken.
Words that came out of nowhere from forgotten friends.
Words to soothe and repair the broken spirit.
Words to knit a person back together.
Words to resuscitate, remedy and renew.
Words to encourag…

Hold on thy way

We have had a tumultuous weekend!  I think a couple of posts back, I predicted some rough waters coming and come they have with Tsunami strength.

On Friday, out of the blue, I got a call from our Neuroimmunologist's nurse.  She told me that our doctor had opened up a couple of hours in her schedule in two weeks in order to see Shelbie.  I asked her if she had received results from Duke University but she said she couldn't say for sure.  So, I'm not sure what that will be about but we will be there.  I'm a little nervous but I believe that this might be the workings of God.  Shelbie is still not moving fluid from her lower extremities and she still has open sores and weeping.  It's a good time for this doctor to see what is going on and has been for weeks.

Spencer has just been struggling so much.  The poor kid never gets a break!  I mean never!  His car broke down.  It will need a new transmission and he doesn't have money for that.  He's been looking for w…

Good Intentions

I'm calling today's post...good intentions because good intentions were plentiful on this beautiful Saturday.

I had all kinds of good intentions for today.  I had high hopes to fix Sam's bed, wrap up some projects that have looming deadlines and that's about it!  I figured I had a good 9 hours of drafting to do today, a job site to visit and all that was after I worked in the temple this morning.

I took a nap last night from 1:00 to 3:00 am then got up wondering where Shelbie and her friends had disappeared to but left every light in the house on...girls!  They got home after a little field trip up to the Teton Valley, around 3:30 am and then I went back to bed until 7:00 when I got up to say goodbye to the boys.  They are going to the Nitro Circus performance in Salt Lake tonight.

Back to my day...

Instead of leaving the temple promptly to start my well thought out day...I ran into an old acquaintance at the temple who was substituting for a shift.  We aren't go…

Proof there is a God

Okay, this is another health insurance rant...because, why not?  I feel like ranting this week and it just so happens that this week is all about how to drive me crazy.  The best way to do that, is mess with insurance and medical bills.

Yesterday...I got our EOB for Sam and Spencer from their immunology appointment on May 12th.
Here is a picture of one EOB...for one child!  There is another one coming...

This is my reality...$7,248.37 is what our medical expenses are for Spencer for one month!! I will be getting a matching EOB on Samuel soon for close to the same amount since they both had the same tests done at Immunology.  Over $14,000 for the two of them alone in one month!! Not only that, even with bills like this, I still have $3000 more dollars to pay before I have reached my out of pocket maximum and insurance starts paying 100%.

It takes me just over 4 months to make $14,000.   In 6 weeks, Samuel will be costing me an additional $10,000-$13,000 a month for the rest of his l…

Borrowed Trouble

Had another small blow to our stability this week...after the insurance debacle with Sam, I got a letter from our insurance company, yesterday, to say they will no longer be servicing us as of January 2018. They are pulling out of the exchange.  Their reason is that it is not profitable for them to serve individuals.

At first I felt my blood pressure rising and my anxiety edging into panic but then I caught myself.  Open Enrollment is still 5 months away and lots can happen in 5 months.  I have been with Bridgespan since 2015 because they were the only company I could afford, even on the exchange.

I was listening to some podcast about a couple who was complaining about not being able to 'Invest' in healthcare...what exactly does that mean?  If I invest in something, I expect to get a return, bigger than what I started with.  I must be 'investing' in the wrong insurance company because I am in the red by $25,000 with my 'healthcare' investment.

I don't wa…

Not An Option...

It's been sort of a crazy weekend.  Sometimes, I don't realize just how hard and crazy until, from out of the blue, I start having a little anxiety attack and hit panic mode.  And oddly never happens in the moment.  Tonight, it happened at the gym while on the elliptical.  When I realized I was crying, I looked down and was going 10 mph and had already logged over 2 miles!  It was as if I was running away from my life.  I thought my heart was going to pack up and leave for being worked so hard. Anyways...

Sam has pneumonia again!  I think this is the 4th time this year.  He's had a cold for over a week and then Sunday morning, spiked a fever.  A sudden rise in temperature after a week or more of a viral illness is almost always something serious.  Sam has always been in tune with his lungs so when he came home flushed and fevered, I said, "Well, do I need to take you in?  Do you think you have pneumonia?"  He nodded yes.  So off we went and that was c…

Father's Day

Today I honor my dad.  
There are the typical stories of how much fun we had growing up.  The games, the made up songs and scary stories on warm summer nights when we went camping.  He was always up for an adventure whether it was a mountain to climb, a river to run or some culinary experiment in the kitchen and we had some of those...namely, some sweet and sour sauce that really became a sweet and sour wallpaper paste.  I think we ate it anyways! 

He has always had the most fun with my kids.  There have been times when  he surprised them with his dares and challenges and it made me laugh.  He has taken an interest in their hobbies and hopes and they have always felt loved by their grandpa.  When I think of my dad...I think of his smile. 

This past little while, when I think on why I love my dad, I love that he has been a worthy, righteous man of God.  I love that he loves my mom.  I love that he is a critical thinker.  Whenever he is faced with a problem, he spends a lot of time po…

Planning for Happiness

I spend more time than most, it seems, worrying about the amount of suffering I feel.  Somehow, I have this idea that if I'm not happy, then I'm failing at life.    Maybe it's because of adages like...

"Life is what you make of it"
"You can choose to be happy no matter what."
"Happy mind, Happy life"
"Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react"

I seriously obsess about the fact that I'm just not trying hard enough to have a good attitude because people who are perpetually unhappy are choosing that.  Apparently.  It bugs me to think that I am choosing this hard life.  It bugs me to think that other people think this about me and I know that they do...I see the little smears of pity on the corners of their lips, as they pretentiously say, "When is life ever going good for you?"

Well, how embarrassing that God sees fit to keep my heels pressed to the refiners fire.  Shame on me for not being overjoyed with the …

What's Up?

Oh can tell already this is not going to be a post about how bored we are!

Someday, maybe you'll hear that but life has been a whirlwind of events.

Last night we had another trip to the ER with Shelbie.  She has had a swollen leg for a couple of weeks and sores have broken out and just weep all day, through her pants even.  I've been moderately concerned but that worry escalated over the past few days as her blood pressure dropped to extremely low levels...95/40.  The side effects of a very low blood pressure got out of hand last night and when she had a hard time making sentences and slurring words was more her rhythm, I decided to take her in to the ER.

It's never easy for us to go there.  It's always hard to rehash the history, over and over.  It would be easy if she had something like cancer...everyone knows that.  Instead, when they ask for a history, it ends up being a monologue and not a funny one.  Although, it can be.  It all depends on my mood I …

Wonder Woman...

It's been months of ongoing stress around here...that's nothing new but as a family, we use to be so good at unplugging from the hard times to escape into something resembling fun and not tragic. We haven't done that for a very long time, in fact, I can't really remember the last time.

On Tuesday, Shelbie announced that we needed to go to a movie.
"Like, right now?"  I asked
"Yes, why not?" She said
"Well, it's 11:30 in the morning?" as I said it, I was wondering if that was even a valid reason.  Who says you can only watch movies between the hours of 6 and 10 at night?  "I have a major interview tomorrow and presentation?  I should stay focused?"  I had all these reasons that I was trying to coax my head into believing and they weren't working.  "Ya know, that's a good idea, let's go!"

Really, it was the best decision.  I use to be spontaneous with the kids but then life happened, and kept happening. …

What has become of you?

It was a rare day, the kind when I had no appointments, no streams of phone calls which is amazing since I have over a dozen design clients right now, three from out of State, like Virginia, Texas and Colorado.

On days like today, I can catch up on drawing and spreadsheets, as I tether myself to the computer and crank on my jams...Today, my 'jams' as the young people say, were Deepak Chopra,  Caroline Myss, Steven Pressfield, Brene Brown, Elizabeth get the drift.  It was this steady stream of inspiring thoughts, podcasts, presentations and ideas all day long!

I know that I'm not the person I use to be, I'm not the person I want to be and somewhere in between, can feel like an exhausting race to realize who I'm suppose to be.  It's easy for me to get stuck and spin in a million things that will change nothing for me but keeps me numb to hard work of changing a self or finding a self.

Here are some snippets that were deeply inspiring today...