Ahhhh...

Last nights celebration was more of a big dose of reality than it was the celebration, I had imagined.  All three kids ended up getting sick and didn't hardly eat then spent the rest of the night rotating through the bathrooms.  I finally handed out the Zofran and put them to bed.  Ahhh...

It seems that one minute we are on cruise control, taking things in stride and the next, things are falling apart around us.  I hate the falling apart moments.  It's just no fun and zaps the energy from me and if the kids can't perceive my energy and hope then it's even harder for them. I guess you could call me the shock absorber.

If you've been reading my other blog, you could probably feel the contention in the last few posts.  I think what set me off was the Student Led conferences they had Thursday night at school.  Spencer was to present a portfolio of future plans.  It was so sad because clearly, he has a hard time visualizing his future.  No matter how much fun and joy I try to bring into the kids' lives, no matter how hopeful I feel or come across, it does not change the reality of life.  The Sophmores had to show a 10 year timeline.  Basically, his timeline for the future is...try to stay alive and then if he's lucky someday have a wife and kids but I know in his heart he doesn't think he will ever have children. He put stuff down to appease his advisor.  It was heartbreaking to watch him muddle through that presentation, making stuff up so instead of admitting my sadness in the moment, I found something to get mad about.  It's easier to say your mad than scared.

Sometimes I just wish there was more I could do to shelter my kids.  It's hard even for me to picture our future, to picture my future.  When Spencer teases me about being a 'lonely, old grandma', I can't help but think there may be some truth to that.  I can't even picture me having to work a 9-5 job when all I want to do to is spend all my time being a mom.  When I have to stop and think about all the things I have to do that have been thrust upon me because of a stupid divorce, it's hard to not be frustrated, even angry but I know that will get me nowhere.

This weekend, I am going to try really hard to find my focus again, only worry about what I have control over and let God work out the details of income, health and all the other things we need.
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