Worst. Mother. Ever.
The past few days will surely go down as the worst in history when it comes to me being any kind of a caring, compassionate mother, let alone human being!
Yikes!
Sad Days!
Last week, I was doing so well, concentrating my efforts on prayers for Damen, swearing I would be grateful for my own little, minute cross to bear in relationship to the trials those around me have. I was determined to find joy in this journey, to take it all in stride, one day at a time, give thanks, be happy for today...gosh, the words that cliche into one another are endless with permutations unimaginable!
However, I failed miserably! Thursday was Shelbie's transfusion. I had planned to be positive and upbeat and make it a great day. Instead, I muttered and complained and was so worn out I couldn't get any of my work done and the internet at the hospital wasn't working for most of the day and when it was, it had blocked every single website I needed to get to for work. Sam and I napped in the morning for an hour, rushed through lunch because Shelbie got sick 5 minutes into eating and had to get back to her room, then tried to be productive for the afternoon which was a mess.
Sam had his driving test at 6 that night so I left Shelbie to take him for that but the teacher was almost 45 minutes late and we still had a 30 minute test. Shelbie finished early and was bugged that I wasn't there to get her. The whole day was disastrous.
I fumbled through Friday, exhausted.
Saturday, I thought if I could get Shelbie out of the house for some fresh air, she might feel better. I think that just made things worse for both of us. We got home and she started throwing up!
That's pretty much when I hit the wall! I was not at all helpful. I couldn't even stand in the bathroom and hold her hair back. I did manage some water, mints and nausea medication. When she laid on the floor crying, I stood there and looked at her like I had never seen a sick person before!
When she cried and asked if she could sleep in my bed, without even the slightest filter, I said, "NO! I can not get sick. I will make you bed a on couch or you can have the bed and I will take the couch."
She told me Sunday morning that she cried for two hours because I was so mean! I felt horrible.
Sunday, I tried to keep the side effects of IVIG at bay with all sorts of medication but she was just getting worse. Finally, at 9:00pm, I decided to take her to the ER so she could get some relief from the monster headache and nausea that we just couldn't manage.
The ER was so slow. We waited 35 minutes just to get to a room, then another 45 minutes from the time the doc saw her until the IV was started. I was getting so bugged!! All I could see was the clock ticking past the hours I could have been sleeping. I felt so selfish and so angry! People in the rooms around us were miserable, babies were screaming, and the nurses were gathered at the desk laughing. I wanted to go postal! I wanted to open the door and scream at the top of my lungs to get to work and start a stupid IV!! I didn't.
They sent in a student to start the IV. A student. 3 tries later, a few blown veins and the pain meds started up. Shelbie was resting comfortably, the babies were still screaming, Sam started getting sick and I was crankier than ever!
Finally, in the middle of the dark night, we headed home. I couldn't even say a kind word. I finished the laundry that I had started before we left, got stuff ready for work today and fell into bed, actually hoping I could die for just 48 hours so I could get a little rest. 4 hours of sleep, good enough I guess.
The last words I heard from Shelbie as we drove home were, "Mom, I am so sorry I make your life harder than it is. I promise I won't ever make you take me to the hospital again."
Gosh...It would have felt a lot better if someone could have just rammed bamboo under my fingernails. So disappointed in myself.
I thought this was suppose to get easier, not harder? I thought we were "use" to this way of life. I thought I should be learning lessons by now, not re-learning the same old lessons. I thought I would have more faith, more trust, more hope, more patience! I thought I would be wise and graceful in my trials since we have had so much experience!!
I never thought it would have come to this...
Yikes!
Sad Days!
Last week, I was doing so well, concentrating my efforts on prayers for Damen, swearing I would be grateful for my own little, minute cross to bear in relationship to the trials those around me have. I was determined to find joy in this journey, to take it all in stride, one day at a time, give thanks, be happy for today...gosh, the words that cliche into one another are endless with permutations unimaginable!
 |
| Sam is on Spring Break. We are seeing all sorts of pictures on FB of people sitting on a beach somewhere, just their feet and wide open, blue waters...This is our version of that picture...I am calling it "Life's a Beach!" |
However, I failed miserably! Thursday was Shelbie's transfusion. I had planned to be positive and upbeat and make it a great day. Instead, I muttered and complained and was so worn out I couldn't get any of my work done and the internet at the hospital wasn't working for most of the day and when it was, it had blocked every single website I needed to get to for work. Sam and I napped in the morning for an hour, rushed through lunch because Shelbie got sick 5 minutes into eating and had to get back to her room, then tried to be productive for the afternoon which was a mess.
Sam had his driving test at 6 that night so I left Shelbie to take him for that but the teacher was almost 45 minutes late and we still had a 30 minute test. Shelbie finished early and was bugged that I wasn't there to get her. The whole day was disastrous.
I fumbled through Friday, exhausted.
Saturday, I thought if I could get Shelbie out of the house for some fresh air, she might feel better. I think that just made things worse for both of us. We got home and she started throwing up!
That's pretty much when I hit the wall! I was not at all helpful. I couldn't even stand in the bathroom and hold her hair back. I did manage some water, mints and nausea medication. When she laid on the floor crying, I stood there and looked at her like I had never seen a sick person before!
When she cried and asked if she could sleep in my bed, without even the slightest filter, I said, "NO! I can not get sick. I will make you bed a on couch or you can have the bed and I will take the couch."
She told me Sunday morning that she cried for two hours because I was so mean! I felt horrible.
Sunday, I tried to keep the side effects of IVIG at bay with all sorts of medication but she was just getting worse. Finally, at 9:00pm, I decided to take her to the ER so she could get some relief from the monster headache and nausea that we just couldn't manage.
The ER was so slow. We waited 35 minutes just to get to a room, then another 45 minutes from the time the doc saw her until the IV was started. I was getting so bugged!! All I could see was the clock ticking past the hours I could have been sleeping. I felt so selfish and so angry! People in the rooms around us were miserable, babies were screaming, and the nurses were gathered at the desk laughing. I wanted to go postal! I wanted to open the door and scream at the top of my lungs to get to work and start a stupid IV!! I didn't.
They sent in a student to start the IV. A student. 3 tries later, a few blown veins and the pain meds started up. Shelbie was resting comfortably, the babies were still screaming, Sam started getting sick and I was crankier than ever!
Finally, in the middle of the dark night, we headed home. I couldn't even say a kind word. I finished the laundry that I had started before we left, got stuff ready for work today and fell into bed, actually hoping I could die for just 48 hours so I could get a little rest. 4 hours of sleep, good enough I guess.
The last words I heard from Shelbie as we drove home were, "Mom, I am so sorry I make your life harder than it is. I promise I won't ever make you take me to the hospital again."
Gosh...It would have felt a lot better if someone could have just rammed bamboo under my fingernails. So disappointed in myself.
I thought this was suppose to get easier, not harder? I thought we were "use" to this way of life. I thought I should be learning lessons by now, not re-learning the same old lessons. I thought I would have more faith, more trust, more hope, more patience! I thought I would be wise and graceful in my trials since we have had so much experience!!
I never thought it would have come to this...
We all have those moments as Mom's where one more thing is just too much! I can only imagine how difficult it must be to stay positive and supportive and to keep giving and nurturing when you are so drained. Don't beat yourself up. Your kids are lucky to have you, and you really are an amazing Mom.
ReplyDelete