Choices

Nothing is worse than having to choose between one bad choice or another bad choice.  Those were our options we were faced with this afternoon as it became apparent that IVIG is no longer an option for Shelbie.  Just having the nurse check her pulse has left her with big bruises on her hand. It really is unbelievable.  We had a really good talk with our Oncologist's partner who was on call.  She is still in the hospital since the headaches and nausea have struck.  We have decided that the next step is to start the drug Rituximab.  It is in the chemo drug family and is commonly used to treat lymphoma or leukemia.  Shelbie is deeply saddened by this and so am I.  It's not going to be easy.  She will have infusions once a week for 4 months then move to a maintenance schedule.  This is as I understand the plan to be.  Things can change in a second these days but this is our plan today!  Our regular doc will be in tomorrow and we will work out the details.  This means that she will need a pic line or port. Just hearing the doctor come to this conclusion sent fear flooding through us both.  Her last nightmare with the chemo drug VinCristine was enough to do her in and it's just so hard to face it a second time.  Needless to say this afternoon has been filled with a lot of tears.      
          In some ways, the tears are out of relief that hard decisions have been made and a new plan will soon be underway.  I hope I never regret this decision.  I feel a certain amount of peace even though it is scary so now we just have to move forward, work the plan and have faith and hope that God will make it good.  Of course, I am filled with all sorts of other concerns that are mostly financial.  I just can't imagine how I will balance all this.  Now it really seems impossible that I will be able to work, even my cleaning jobs seem so overwhelming to consider right now.  With all this being so long term, I wonder how I will keep everyone decompressed, sane and pay my bills.  I feel quite a burden yet in the back of my mind, I know that God will take care of us.  He hasn't brought us this far to drop us now!  I truly believe that!  The work comes in keeping fear and despair at bay and just concentrate on the moment.  I'm afraid some of those moments will include jags of crying, out of control laughter and moments filled with peace and contentment.  What a ride we are about to take.  The thought just hit me that I will now be able to post about this part of the journey since I totally tried to skip out on it in 2007.  Interesting how life works!  Bad karma sucks! ha ha

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