Unraveling- Warning LONG POST!!!

Ohhhh, it begins and so does my headache and rising blood pressure....the kids are unraveling. 

The boys have been suffering badly with allergies.  Sam has had a really bad sore throat for days because of the drainage and he seems to be drowning in mucus.  I haven't been feeling so hot for the last couple of months so yesterday, I packed everyone up and took them to the doctors, including me. 

When the nurse took my blood pressure, temperature, etc, Sam said, "Wait, why are you doing that? Are you sick?"
"Well, I haven't been feeling too well so I'm just going to be checked out too."
"MOM!! You can't be sick!  Who is going to take care of us if you are sick? It's not serious right?"
The nurse starts howling in laughter, "Ya MOM, you can't be sick!"  and she chortles her way out the door.  I was laughing too but now, I can see it was not meant to be funny, he was really upset.

By the time we got home, it was too late to pick up the prescriptions from the pharmacy so I gave the boys the over the counter stuff I had to try to get them some relief through the night.  By 11:30pm Sam's throat was swollen and really sore and he remembered that the doctor said getting his tonsils out might be something we have to consider down the road.  He just started sobbing and fell into my arms and just shook. 

I asked him if it was the pain that bothered him or if he was scared of something else and his reply was this huge, tear soaked run on sentence.

 "My whole life is just a big mess and I always feel sick everyday I feel sick and no one ever helps me feel better and I don't want to have another bone marrow biopsy and I don't want to talk to anymore doctors unless they are going to fix me but they can't fix me because I am just a great big mess and now you are sick and what if you die if die there will be no one to take care of me and then I will just die and we will all just die and I don't want anyone to die and my throat hurts so bad why can't you just fix my throat because if you can't fix my throat I will need my tonsils out and that is going to hurt and I don't want to be in the hospital anymore I hate the hospital...(sob, sob, sob) please help me?!!!"

WOW!  So, I was trying to be brave mom but that's hard after a speech like that...what do you say?  Well, I held him tight, reassured him that I am not dying and that I will always be here to take care of him.  Spencer and Shelbie tried to cheer him up too but it didn't help. 
Shelbie and Spencer were in the family room and heard all this.  When Sam and I came in to sit down for prayer, Shelbie said, "I feel really weird.  Something's wrong.  I am lightheaded and can't catch my breath.  I think my heart is skipping beats."

"Okay, it's so late, everyone is tired and scared, let's get some sleep.  We will all feel better with a little sleep." I packed Sam to my bed to curl up with the dog while I tucked Shelbie and Spencer into bed. (Yes, I still tuck my kids in...well, I sit and tell them how awesome they are and that I love them.)

I went up to Shelbie's room and she was crying.  "Sam's right, our life is a mess, a big mess and no one will ever be able to fix us and I don't care if I die but I just can't leave you!  Can't you just find a husband or a friend so I know you won't be alone?  I am scared when you leave to go to the store, or when I have to leave for a photo shoot.  I could die in a car accident, you could die, we could all die.  Can we die together?"

"Honey, no one is going to die!  You guys aren't even close to death!  I know kids who are way sicker than you guys and they are still doing things they love.  I'm not going to die, I just have some wacky, probably dumb thing going on, it's going to be okay.  If you die, then you will be my guardian angel and I will be fine.  I have friends, I won't be alone...but the husband thing...don't count on that...seriously, we live in a dumb little town and the dating pool is contaminated with losers and I'm old so I would have to marry someone who has one foot in the grave and unless he has lots of money, I'm just not interested.  Hey, Hugh Heffner just called off his wedding...hmmmmm"  She laughed a little at my witty joke. 

"But please will you take care of yourself?  Please sleep in and take some naps?  Please just be okay, don't get cancer okay?" 

"Honey, I do take care of myself.  Everything is going to be okay!  I PROMISE!  Tomorrow, after I do some work we will do something fun, away from the house and away from as much pollen as we can get! Something super fun!  ( I have no idea what that is going to be yet....my brain is too tired.)

Holy smokes...if that wasn't a stressful night!!! I was so tired myself and worried too but just had to be brave!  Today, I really do need to find something to calm them all down. It use to be so easy to hide the facts from them but now they are just way too smart.  I haven't even dwelt on the Seattle stuff, kept most of the information on an as needed basis.  All they really understand is that they will have their bone marrow biopsies.  Shelbie understands her mito problems but the boys don't.  I have only told them the mutation they have could cause some vision problems sometime in the distant future but that's about it.  The details are still to come and I know they will come next week and I am really scared to have that conversation with them.

The next few days will be critical in maintaining a good mental attitude.  We can't go into this feeling depressed and discouraged.  I wish so much they didn't have to do this but it is what it is.  I wish I was feeling better because it's true, when I'm sick, I can't very well keep everyone in a good place like I usually do.  Hopefully I will get some answers by tomorrow.  It's looking like I may have a thyroid problem...something like that.  I hope that's all it is anyways....something easy like taking a vitamin or chocolate...If only it was as easy as chocolate. 

This is a seriously long post and I have left out a very critical part of the conversations that went on today...maybe later today or tomorrow I will post again.  Now...I need a nap!  Well, first I was hired to week the townhouse complex where we live so I better get on that...ugh!



  1. Keep your chins up and eat lots of chocolate. It is hard to see your children stressed. Hold on tight to them. There are lots of prayers on your behalf.

  2. I'm sorry that you guys have to deal with all of that. I think about you guys a lot.

  3. I wish there was something I could do to help! You and the kids are in our prayers always. Love you all...TB


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