ALL ABOARD???
Consider yourself blessed that you missed this train...The CrAzY TrAIn!!! It hasn't even been 24 hours and I want off! What a day!
I have always hated rollercoasters in fact, I remember my first rollercoaster ride. It was at Disneyland, I was probably around 9 or 10 years old and I was sharing a cart with my dad. Seared in the cells of my body is that slow, trudging start of the rollercoaster cart, after a series of teaser twists and turns, up the steep incline. I can hear the grinding of the metal wheels against the steel track, clicking and clacking it's way up. I remember the panic that struck me as I suddenly decided I couldn't go through with it. I knew that within seconds, my stomach would be somewhere up in my throat and my own screams would break through my ear drums. I remember turning to my dad with pleading tears streaming down my face..."I changed my mind, I don't want to do this, please get me offff......!!!!!" within a split second, we began the racing plunge to the bottom and fear flooded my body and left me weak.
Today, felt an awful lot like that rollercoaster ride! I felt panic, fear and even terror at times. I thought this was suppose to get easier, that I would get use to this at some point but it just feels sickening. Add to all this preoccupation of our purpose here and arriving just in time to face rush hour and a mess of construction that just confused my GPS and sent me driving around in circles trying to get to the hotel, I was a crazy mess. At one point, I turned to my kids and said, "Okay, I just need to cry right now but I'm fine, I just need to cry."
I'm sure in their minds they were thinking...yup, she's lost it!
I pulled it together and kept the tears inside and managed to get unloaded, find somewhere to eat and then head to Walmart to get some groceries. When I reserved this hotel, the pictures showed a full size and fully stocked kitchen, I confirmed that with the desk clerk. In reality, we basically have a microwave big enough for a single serving bag of popcorn. I guess, "Full size, fully stocked kitchen" is relative....So, that threw off my original plan to make meals here.
Being the creative family that we are, we came up with a different menu, different plan. The kids have been so awesome despite my crazy mentality these days. So, breakfast will be cereal and toaster strudels. Lunch/Dinner will be Easy Mac, Eggos and Peanut Butter sandwiches. We will pepper in some restaurant food but this will keep the budget down. The not so full size kitchen is better than having nothing at all so I am very grateful.
Okay, so, I haven't even gotten into all the details of the day but I can tell you, I have never quite felt the weight of being a single mom with three sick kids, the way I have felt the weight today! I will probably post mornings and then again at the end of each day. I am not going to sugar coat this so it may get a little personal and little emotional but I will always end each post with my gratitude list for the day. I have never, in any journal I have kept, really included my feelings about these trips, mostly kept to logistics so this will be a first and it will be really hard. I find that my life is so dichotomous...contradictory. It is possible to feel blessed and safe in God's hands but in the next moment feel so alone and scared...welcome to mortality. I guess in the end, it's how you've grown that matters.
At the end of the day...I am thankful for a safe trip here.
I am thankful for my parents, family and kids!
I am thankful for a friend who listened to an earful of rants when I know she had
better things to do with her time.
I am thankful for Dr. Shimamura, our Hematologist/Oncologist here who called me
while we were on the road today to tell me she was looking forward to our visit
and shared the news that she has added even more specialists to our care team.
I have never met such a humble, intelligent, compassionate doctor in my life.
I am thankful that I didn't completely fall apart today.
I have always hated rollercoasters in fact, I remember my first rollercoaster ride. It was at Disneyland, I was probably around 9 or 10 years old and I was sharing a cart with my dad. Seared in the cells of my body is that slow, trudging start of the rollercoaster cart, after a series of teaser twists and turns, up the steep incline. I can hear the grinding of the metal wheels against the steel track, clicking and clacking it's way up. I remember the panic that struck me as I suddenly decided I couldn't go through with it. I knew that within seconds, my stomach would be somewhere up in my throat and my own screams would break through my ear drums. I remember turning to my dad with pleading tears streaming down my face..."I changed my mind, I don't want to do this, please get me offff......!!!!!" within a split second, we began the racing plunge to the bottom and fear flooded my body and left me weak.
Today, felt an awful lot like that rollercoaster ride! I felt panic, fear and even terror at times. I thought this was suppose to get easier, that I would get use to this at some point but it just feels sickening. Add to all this preoccupation of our purpose here and arriving just in time to face rush hour and a mess of construction that just confused my GPS and sent me driving around in circles trying to get to the hotel, I was a crazy mess. At one point, I turned to my kids and said, "Okay, I just need to cry right now but I'm fine, I just need to cry."
I'm sure in their minds they were thinking...yup, she's lost it!
I pulled it together and kept the tears inside and managed to get unloaded, find somewhere to eat and then head to Walmart to get some groceries. When I reserved this hotel, the pictures showed a full size and fully stocked kitchen, I confirmed that with the desk clerk. In reality, we basically have a microwave big enough for a single serving bag of popcorn. I guess, "Full size, fully stocked kitchen" is relative....So, that threw off my original plan to make meals here.
Being the creative family that we are, we came up with a different menu, different plan. The kids have been so awesome despite my crazy mentality these days. So, breakfast will be cereal and toaster strudels. Lunch/Dinner will be Easy Mac, Eggos and Peanut Butter sandwiches. We will pepper in some restaurant food but this will keep the budget down. The not so full size kitchen is better than having nothing at all so I am very grateful.
Okay, so, I haven't even gotten into all the details of the day but I can tell you, I have never quite felt the weight of being a single mom with three sick kids, the way I have felt the weight today! I will probably post mornings and then again at the end of each day. I am not going to sugar coat this so it may get a little personal and little emotional but I will always end each post with my gratitude list for the day. I have never, in any journal I have kept, really included my feelings about these trips, mostly kept to logistics so this will be a first and it will be really hard. I find that my life is so dichotomous...contradictory. It is possible to feel blessed and safe in God's hands but in the next moment feel so alone and scared...welcome to mortality. I guess in the end, it's how you've grown that matters.
At the end of the day...I am thankful for a safe trip here.
I am thankful for my parents, family and kids!
I am thankful for a friend who listened to an earful of rants when I know she had
better things to do with her time.
I am thankful for Dr. Shimamura, our Hematologist/Oncologist here who called me
while we were on the road today to tell me she was looking forward to our visit
and shared the news that she has added even more specialists to our care team.
I have never met such a humble, intelligent, compassionate doctor in my life.
I am thankful that I didn't completely fall apart today.
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