It's better to look good...
I've always joked with people that 'It's better to look good than to feel good!' Well, there is probably some truth to that but looking good when you feel lousy may not always be the best plan of attack. Why? Because it confuses people.
The Immunologist we saw this week has really known the kids on paper for the last year. She has been involved in many a conference calls with Dr. Shimamura to discuss a variety of things going on with the kids. When she finally met the kids, she was taken aback.
"You guys look awesome! I am amazed because reading about you on paper, I was expecting a pretty sickly looking bunch of kids. You are much sicker than you look that's for sure!"
This isn't the first time I have heard this. We tend to always show up with bright, smiling faces. I remember a few months ago, as we left the Oncologist's office with a platelet count of 2, we were laughing so hard over a dumb joke I made and the receptionists said, "Looks like good news, I guess we won't be seeing you again for awhile." Well, no, we had just found out that she would be starting chemo.
Last night, as I spent another sleepless night pondering, I wondered why? Why it's so hard to admit we are struggling. Well, here's my list of why it's better to look good...
1. Crying is ugly. NO one wants to see my tear soaked, black, smudgy face...unless of course, I have invested in an adequate amount of waterproof makeup then I guess that makes this...not a good reason...moving on...
2. I'm afraid if I start...I will never stop. My emotional brakes my just fray themselves apart and I will be left in an uncontrolled slide down a steep slope of sadness.
3. People will think I am falling to pieces or worse, having a nervous breakdown.
4. I have already scheduled out an hour a week in which I pay someone to listen to me cry, whine and complain so why waste anymore time? Yes, it's expensive but it comes with free Kleenex.
5. I hate it when people confuse tears with a lack of faith. This is probably the biggest reason to keep it all together. Despite the buckets of tears and frustration I may express at times, usually in the silence of the night when no one is around, they are in no way related to my level of faith. I can honestly say that through all the trials we have faced, I wouldn't change a thing. I have grown so much, I just wish I wasn't so mortal all the time which leads me to my next point...
6. Sometimes the tears are not out of fear, fatigue and frustration sometimes they are good tears because another blessing has just been realized or someone understood me or I am feeling a lot of peace and contentment. There are lots of reasons for tears...
So, granted, the next little while there will probably be a mixed bag of emotions as we sort through all this new information. It's not going to be easy and my stupid, fallen state of mortality will surely get in my of progressing through this rough time faster than I would like. Such is life.
The Immunologist we saw this week has really known the kids on paper for the last year. She has been involved in many a conference calls with Dr. Shimamura to discuss a variety of things going on with the kids. When she finally met the kids, she was taken aback.
"You guys look awesome! I am amazed because reading about you on paper, I was expecting a pretty sickly looking bunch of kids. You are much sicker than you look that's for sure!"
This isn't the first time I have heard this. We tend to always show up with bright, smiling faces. I remember a few months ago, as we left the Oncologist's office with a platelet count of 2, we were laughing so hard over a dumb joke I made and the receptionists said, "Looks like good news, I guess we won't be seeing you again for awhile." Well, no, we had just found out that she would be starting chemo.
Last night, as I spent another sleepless night pondering, I wondered why? Why it's so hard to admit we are struggling. Well, here's my list of why it's better to look good...
1. Crying is ugly. NO one wants to see my tear soaked, black, smudgy face...unless of course, I have invested in an adequate amount of waterproof makeup then I guess that makes this...not a good reason...moving on...
2. I'm afraid if I start...I will never stop. My emotional brakes my just fray themselves apart and I will be left in an uncontrolled slide down a steep slope of sadness.
3. People will think I am falling to pieces or worse, having a nervous breakdown.
4. I have already scheduled out an hour a week in which I pay someone to listen to me cry, whine and complain so why waste anymore time? Yes, it's expensive but it comes with free Kleenex.
5. I hate it when people confuse tears with a lack of faith. This is probably the biggest reason to keep it all together. Despite the buckets of tears and frustration I may express at times, usually in the silence of the night when no one is around, they are in no way related to my level of faith. I can honestly say that through all the trials we have faced, I wouldn't change a thing. I have grown so much, I just wish I wasn't so mortal all the time which leads me to my next point...
6. Sometimes the tears are not out of fear, fatigue and frustration sometimes they are good tears because another blessing has just been realized or someone understood me or I am feeling a lot of peace and contentment. There are lots of reasons for tears...
So, granted, the next little while there will probably be a mixed bag of emotions as we sort through all this new information. It's not going to be easy and my stupid, fallen state of mortality will surely get in my of progressing through this rough time faster than I would like. Such is life.
Wenonah use to say, if "I don't laugh I would just sit and cry, and crying is just ugly. I choose to laugh." Been thinking of you and your kids this week. Keep your chins up.
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