Yadda yadda

It's been a really strange week in our world of chronic illness.  Lots going on.  Topping the emotional roller coaster this week was my friend's funeral.  Ya, know I have never been through an experience quite like this one.  I usually attend funerals in which I heard through a phone call or the newspaper that the person had died.  This is the first time I have been through the entire dying process from beginning to end and then the planning of the funeral and so on. 

Truly, it tops my list of sacred experiences.  Never before have I really felt the presence of a life after this one but there is no denying it.  I use to believe it but now I know that life exists after this.  It takes a lot of the fear out of dying but at the same time, it makes me miss her even more. 

I can't tell you how many times I heard at her funeral, "She is in a better place.", "We should be happy for her."  I'm usually the one echoing those words but this time, I didn't want to listen to it because I'm not happy.  I'm not happy that I have to drive by her house and know that it is empty.  I will not hear her jokes, her laughter, her words of wisdom.  Whenever I left her for the day, she would say to me, "Remember, you are the chosen one."; referring to the fact that I need to remember that my kids chose me to be their mother and I chose them so I shouldn't let any intended or unintended criticism get me down. 

Last week was busy still helping to wrap things up, this week, there will just be a void.  Thankfully, I am going to be super busy.  Tomorrow is my day for blood donation.  Yes, I will be getting my blood drawn for the purpose of scientific research.  In the preliminary questions she asked us during the conference call, I already know I've failed and passed along some bad stuff to my kids.  I kept asking our doctor, "Is that bad?" in reference to my answers and she said, "Well, it's very interesting."  Hmmmm...can't wait to hear about the results...well, on second thought, maybe I can.  I just hope we find answers, not more questions.


Popular Posts