Could it be?

My good friend who I have mentioned over the last few days, passed away last night at about 6:30pm.  Just one week and two days after receiving a diagnosis of Leukemia. I was not at her bedside, though I could have been.  I chose not to go.  In my mind, her spirit was already leaving on Monday and gone by Wednesday night when I saw her. She was just a shell to me.  The light in her eyes was gone, carried away to some distant land.  It was so hard to sit and watch her body struggle to find the oxygen needed to move through her fluid filled body and sustain her tired organs.

 She was surrounded by best friends from many years past and I have only been a part of her life for the last year so I felt a little 'unworthy' to occupy space in her room.  Not only that, it is so easy for me to take on the grief and sadness of others, I just wasn't sure I could handle the weight of the loss those ladies were feeling.  I am kind of a private crier too, I rarely breakdown in public, tending to keep those uncharted emotions for my pillow at 2:00 in the morning when the house is still and the kids are sleeping. 

I can't help but wonder about one thing.  Last Wednesday, I took Shelbie over to say hello.  Carolyn held her hand and said, "Listen, when I get to Heaven, I am going to sort a few things out for you ok?  I'll see what I can do to make things better for you."  That really touched Shelbie and we stood there in awe at her faith and strength.  Could it be that as Carolyn drifted between worlds, she was working on pulling some favors for Shelbie?  I just wonder since her platelets were so high yesterday.  Probably not, I'm sure it doesn't really work that way.  God's plan is underway, not under revision but it's still a nice thought. 

I am so glad that she does not have to suffer anymore but at the same time,  a little selfish that she is gone.  I'm sure I will feel a little lost over the next few days as I wander in and out of her house, helping to pack things up and she will not be there with a funny joke, sarcastic remark, encouraging word or a reminder that I was chosen long ago to bear these children and their burdens and I can do this!  She will be dearly missed. 


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