The Giant Awakes
It is interesting to me how easily I am tricked into this false sense of security. Like being lulled to sleep on a gently rocking boat. How easily I try to forget all the issues that come with chronic illness in hopes of eliminating stress. Not just try to forget but actually compartmentalize it all so that it disappears somewhere in the back of my mind. For awhile, I really believe we are normal as the most normal family could be. From out of nowhere, the boat isn't rocking so gently anymore and I can't believe I've been duped again! Perhaps it's a good thing but it feels like ripping a bandaid from freshly formed road rash that covers my leg. It stings.
This week seems to have lasted forever and existed before time. Results are a distant memory until the tiniest thing wakes up this giant of anxiety in me. Spencer called tonight. He is sick. The symptoms are vague, no energy, extreme fatigue,nausea, no fever, no sore throat, nothing that would make me think it is just the common cold being tossed around when winter sets in. He doesn't think he can go to school tomorrow. We make plans for him to stay home again and I say goodnight. I will see him in the morning when he comes home from his dad's. My own stomach is turning and my head hurts now. Butterflies play another round robin in my chest. Dread is all I feel when I think of having to call the school again to excuse him for another day. I am reminded that even a cold can be a disasterous event in the life of an SDS child and I realize that maybe I am not as normal as I like to think I am. Not many other moms panic at the first sign of a sniffle or sneeze!
A couple of days ago, I ran into the mom of one of Spencer's friends. He is about a year or so in remission from Leukemia. This week, he goes for his second CT scan in the year to make sure he is still cancer free. Many of the things she feels, are not much different from my own worries and that is somehow comforting. She knows the rising concern when her son complains of an ache or discomfort. "Could the cancer be back?" She knows how it feels to anticipate a test and then the agonizing days that follow waiting for results. She knows the criticism from folks who think she has fragilized her son. She knows how to love him deeply each day because she has stared down death and won't let go without a fight. She is not crazy, maybe I'm not either.
This week seems to have lasted forever and existed before time. Results are a distant memory until the tiniest thing wakes up this giant of anxiety in me. Spencer called tonight. He is sick. The symptoms are vague, no energy, extreme fatigue,nausea, no fever, no sore throat, nothing that would make me think it is just the common cold being tossed around when winter sets in. He doesn't think he can go to school tomorrow. We make plans for him to stay home again and I say goodnight. I will see him in the morning when he comes home from his dad's. My own stomach is turning and my head hurts now. Butterflies play another round robin in my chest. Dread is all I feel when I think of having to call the school again to excuse him for another day. I am reminded that even a cold can be a disasterous event in the life of an SDS child and I realize that maybe I am not as normal as I like to think I am. Not many other moms panic at the first sign of a sniffle or sneeze!
A couple of days ago, I ran into the mom of one of Spencer's friends. He is about a year or so in remission from Leukemia. This week, he goes for his second CT scan in the year to make sure he is still cancer free. Many of the things she feels, are not much different from my own worries and that is somehow comforting. She knows the rising concern when her son complains of an ache or discomfort. "Could the cancer be back?" She knows how it feels to anticipate a test and then the agonizing days that follow waiting for results. She knows the criticism from folks who think she has fragilized her son. She knows how to love him deeply each day because she has stared down death and won't let go without a fight. She is not crazy, maybe I'm not either.
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