Things I can't do

There are many things I can't do...and the list is long.

I can't wiggle my ears. 

I can't touch my tongue to my nose.

I can't sneeze with my eyes open.

Also.

I can't work the TV in my house.  Apparently, it's designed for people under age 35 to operate.

I can't seem to keep my backyard, that is the size of a postage stamp, watered and mowed.

I can't seem to keep anything alive...well, I'm alright when it comes to dogs and humans but not plants.

I can't figure out how to get to sleep at a decent time and sleep through the night.

I can't seem to focus or pay attention for more than 5 minutes anymore.

And then...things get more complicated. 

I can't handle stress like I use to.

I can't live in yesterday.

I can't understand why worrying about tomorrow doesn't actually prevent tomorrow's problems from happening.

I can't stop my heart from breaking or my head from getting ahead of myself.

But here's the deal...

I can't give up on God. 

I've tried.  I've begged and pleaded for answers that never came then shook my fist in the air, as if Heaven was still paying attention to my adult sized temper tantrum.  I gave him the silent treatment once...maybe more than once; even boldly saying, "I have nothing to say to you."  The cold shoulder only worked for a hot minute.

I can't do it; I can't give up on God.  We've come too far together to give up now. 

I believe in His goodness.  His mercy.  His care.  I believe that he will keep showing up, even when I'm late.  I believe that wherever I am, He'll be there too.  I believe He has a plan, a solution, a remedy and a way.  I believe he will move Heaven and Earth for me if I ask and wait and watch. I believe I can expect miracles and unexpected things.  I may not always understand or appreciate His ways but eventually, I get it.  I believe in his patience and love and that He'll let me try again no matter how many times I miss the mark.

The plan that was suppose to unfold so simply this weekend has not.  The surgeon hasn't called with PET scan reports and levels of metabolic activity like I wanted.  I imagine he forgot what our plan was.  I'm guessing since the PET scan was so late in the day on a Friday, the Radiologist was likely out of the building before the test was even complete.  In less than 36 hours, Shelbie will be in surgery and I wanted answers before that happened.  I wanted to know that this tumor, in this spot, at this time was the right thing to do.  I wanted scientific facts to determine the proper course of action.

So, now what? 

Well, of course this is to be expected. Could I possibly expect anything less than hard?  Anything less than hard would be easy and I believe we are far beyond easy anymore.

 It's called Faith I guess; the real reason I can't seem to give up on God. All we can do now, is move ahead with the plan that was made and wait and see how it all unfolds...and it will unfold according to a higher plan and I have no idea what that is going to look like.  I'm actually going to be waiting and wondering just like every stranger reading this, waiting to see what happens next.  I'm a spectator in my own life!  That's a weird realization...a little existential perhaps.

Oh, one more thing I can't do?

I can't wait to see what happens next in this chronic life of mine. 


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