The necessary lies

The day ebbed and flowed about like any other day.  In fact, it almost felt normal, relatively speaking.  I'm fairly certain there isn't such a thing as normal but it's a convenient word to use anyways.  The morning was a bit rocky but it smoothed out into something tolerable. 

There were the usual amounts of work, emails, clients to visit.  I reacquainted myself with the grocery store.  It feels like forever since the pantry and fridge had anything resembling real food sitting on their shelves.  I stopped in at the pharmacy for our monthly refills, exchanged friendly salutations with the Pharmacist.  Ran in to plenty of acquaintances and gave a cheerful account of "We're doing great!"  From the distance I kept,  it seemed like we were settling nicely back into the rhythm of living and breathing.  

The uneventful day gave in to the sinking sun and after work, I found myself back in the gym after a 3 month hiatus to fix my ailing wrist. 

I found a comfortable speed on the treadmill and little by little, I felt myself unfold from the previous week of tension and anxiety.  I almost remembered how to breathe again, after holding my breath for so long, waiting for what comes next.  I got lost in whatever sound filled my earbuds and put on the miles and nothing dared to cross my mind and if it tried, I ran faster and farther.  

I thought about all the lies I told today.  Things I promised my kids I would do but never did. The lies I told to the people I ran into...  "We're good."  "Things are great!"  "The kids are awesome!"  "Ya, it's been a tough week but honestly, where would we be without our trials right?"   It took absolutely no effort at all to lie.  Even the smile I faked all day was easy.

Of all the lies I told today, there was one that was completely necessary.  It was the lie I keep telling myself.  This is just a medical mistake.  A bad dream. Sometimes, I just get tired of hearing the truth over and over and I want to believe in a different story.  Live a different story.  Be a different story...so I find myself making it up as I go, setting aside the truth for something else, for now...