The necessary lies
The day ebbed and flowed about like any other day. In fact, it almost felt normal, relatively speaking. I'm fairly certain there isn't such a thing as normal but it's a convenient word to use anyways. The morning was a bit rocky but it smoothed out into something tolerable.
There were the usual amounts of work, emails, clients to visit. I reacquainted myself with the grocery store. It feels like forever since the pantry and fridge had anything resembling real food sitting on their shelves. I stopped in at the pharmacy for our monthly refills, exchanged friendly salutations with the Pharmacist. Ran in to plenty of acquaintances and gave a cheerful account of "We're doing great!" From the distance I kept, it seemed like we were settling nicely back into the rhythm of living and breathing.
The uneventful day gave in to the sinking sun and after work, I found myself back in the gym after a 3 month hiatus to fix my ailing wrist.
I found a comfortable speed on the treadmill and little by little, I felt myself unfold from the previous week of tension and anxiety. I almost remembered how to breathe again, after holding my breath for so long, waiting for what comes next. I got lost in whatever sound filled my earbuds and put on the miles and nothing dared to cross my mind and if it tried, I ran faster and farther.
I thought about all the lies I told today. Things I promised my kids I would do but never did. The lies I told to the people I ran into... "We're good." "Things are great!" "The kids are awesome!" "Ya, it's been a tough week but honestly, where would we be without our trials right?" It took absolutely no effort at all to lie. Even the smile I faked all day was easy.
Of all the lies I told today, there was one that was completely necessary. It was the lie I keep telling myself. This is just a medical mistake. A bad dream. Sometimes, I just get tired of hearing the truth over and over and I want to believe in a different story. Live a different story. Be a different story...so I find myself making it up as I go, setting aside the truth for something else, for now...