The Hard Truth
I've been putting off the hard truth for months now! I have skirted around it, tip-toed through it, jumped over it...anything to avoid it and pretend it didn't exist. It was working beautifully until I saw one knot in my snarl of avoidance, break free, and it all started to unravel which ultimately ended in a mess.
A few months ago, or maybe it was just weeks, Sam approached me with the grandest of plans to move to Arizona. I entertained his dream, actually contributed some ideas and listened with intent. I was half interested but thought it was mostly just...well, a dream. He brought it up often until one day a couple of weeks ago, he actually produced concrete plans! He was moving in Mid-December and his management position at a new trampoline park would start in January.
Huh? Is he serious?
Ohhhh, he is serious! How did I miss that? It wasn't a dream anymore, it was happening and I tried for days to wrap my head around that and figure out the logistics of him moving away. I came to the conclusion that he really can't move away because of insurance and his health right now. I did not want to be the one to break it to him. This would be a fabulous time to be married so his dad could be the bad guy, but I knew it was all up to me. Still, I danced around the idea whenever he brought it up. Tuesday night he said, "Mom, we haven't really talked about this move to Arizona, I need to let my new boss know when I'll be there."
"Yeah, so we do need to talk about that. I think there may be some things we need to work out."
That set him off and into a tailspin. We had to have the hard talk about why he can't move to Arizona. I quickly blamed Obama for it of course. Health insurance is networked to death, there would be no way we could make that work. He kept telling me he would fly to Utah anytime he needed to see a doctor. It's hard for him to remember or realize how often we go to the doctor because of his issues with Dyscalculia and processing. The thought of setting him up with an entirely new team of doctors in a far away State is unthinkable for me. We just barely got our current team to a place of trust with each other.
Truth is rarely easy. The word itself is pointed, with hard edges. Truth just doesn't roll off your tongue. It hurts to put it out there.
The truth is, he is grasping at life right now. He feels like he's running out of time. He is desperate to find his 'thing'; that passionate thing that gives him a reason to get up every day. College is hard for him and not working out at all and that creates even more tension. And then of course, there's this girl! Sam loves this girl and she kind of likes him. She is moving to Mesa in December and worse than dying from Dyskeratosis, is losing the girl he loves. So, Sam's all a mess this week.
Anyways, I ended up talking to him last night, with his girlfriend present, about all the reasons Arizona isn't going to happen in December. At first he took it really hard and he fought the tears for a good 20 minutes, but then after running down a long list of all the things I admired and loved about him; his strengths, his gifts and talents, he began to see possibilities for his life here, or even in Utah. He began to see a way to navigate his chronic health conditions and still live an endearing life of happiness and passion. He began to see the ways he might start setting and achieving new goals.
He also had plenty of time to yell and scream and vent and get mad and let all of his hurt and worry spill out of his head, where he often keeps it all buckled down, out of the way. I love these moments. I love when my kids feel so safe and validated that they allow me to witness this deep and moving pain. It's my favorite part of motherhood by far! The wrestle. Amazing things happen when someone feels witnessed, loved and safe. Let's not forget how it tears at my heartstrings too. I hate that we always have to make concessions for this awful disease.
Truth is hard and demanding, but its also clarifying and restorative. Today, he's been a new kid. I might even use the word happy. Today, he's been a happy kid...we are going to find a new way to lean into happiness.
A few months ago, or maybe it was just weeks, Sam approached me with the grandest of plans to move to Arizona. I entertained his dream, actually contributed some ideas and listened with intent. I was half interested but thought it was mostly just...well, a dream. He brought it up often until one day a couple of weeks ago, he actually produced concrete plans! He was moving in Mid-December and his management position at a new trampoline park would start in January.
Huh? Is he serious?
Ohhhh, he is serious! How did I miss that? It wasn't a dream anymore, it was happening and I tried for days to wrap my head around that and figure out the logistics of him moving away. I came to the conclusion that he really can't move away because of insurance and his health right now. I did not want to be the one to break it to him. This would be a fabulous time to be married so his dad could be the bad guy, but I knew it was all up to me. Still, I danced around the idea whenever he brought it up. Tuesday night he said, "Mom, we haven't really talked about this move to Arizona, I need to let my new boss know when I'll be there."
"Yeah, so we do need to talk about that. I think there may be some things we need to work out."
That set him off and into a tailspin. We had to have the hard talk about why he can't move to Arizona. I quickly blamed Obama for it of course. Health insurance is networked to death, there would be no way we could make that work. He kept telling me he would fly to Utah anytime he needed to see a doctor. It's hard for him to remember or realize how often we go to the doctor because of his issues with Dyscalculia and processing. The thought of setting him up with an entirely new team of doctors in a far away State is unthinkable for me. We just barely got our current team to a place of trust with each other.
Truth is rarely easy. The word itself is pointed, with hard edges. Truth just doesn't roll off your tongue. It hurts to put it out there.
The truth is, he is grasping at life right now. He feels like he's running out of time. He is desperate to find his 'thing'; that passionate thing that gives him a reason to get up every day. College is hard for him and not working out at all and that creates even more tension. And then of course, there's this girl! Sam loves this girl and she kind of likes him. She is moving to Mesa in December and worse than dying from Dyskeratosis, is losing the girl he loves. So, Sam's all a mess this week.
Anyways, I ended up talking to him last night, with his girlfriend present, about all the reasons Arizona isn't going to happen in December. At first he took it really hard and he fought the tears for a good 20 minutes, but then after running down a long list of all the things I admired and loved about him; his strengths, his gifts and talents, he began to see possibilities for his life here, or even in Utah. He began to see a way to navigate his chronic health conditions and still live an endearing life of happiness and passion. He began to see the ways he might start setting and achieving new goals.
He also had plenty of time to yell and scream and vent and get mad and let all of his hurt and worry spill out of his head, where he often keeps it all buckled down, out of the way. I love these moments. I love when my kids feel so safe and validated that they allow me to witness this deep and moving pain. It's my favorite part of motherhood by far! The wrestle. Amazing things happen when someone feels witnessed, loved and safe. Let's not forget how it tears at my heartstrings too. I hate that we always have to make concessions for this awful disease.
Truth is hard and demanding, but its also clarifying and restorative. Today, he's been a new kid. I might even use the word happy. Today, he's been a happy kid...we are going to find a new way to lean into happiness.
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