Skip to main content

The Messy Middle

One of my favorite authors is Brene Brown.  I love everything she has to say and the way she says it.  She is an amazing wordsmith too! (I guess that was redundant...)  I follow her on Instagram and last night, this was her post...

"Act II:  The middle space.  The part of the story where the main character is lost and struggling.  She tries to find the way forward by taking every path except the ones that require vulnerability.  The struggle continues until she finally realizes that the only way home is through vulnerability.  Into the dark.  I hate Act II.  I love Act II.  The middle is messy.  But, it's where the magic happens.  We live in the rumble." Brene Brown

We are definitely in the messy middle.  I think a week of only getting an hour of sleep here and an hour there caught up to me last night.  I kind of struggled in a big way and I ended up with a fever and felt horrible.  I had to work and then came home and fell into a chair and watched Spencer and Shelbie try to get Photoshop working on Spencer's computer.   Sam got home from Young Men's around 9:30 and I took some Nyquil and went to bed.

Once in bed, I had me a good little, quiet cry.  The kind you hope the kids don't hear.  The kind I usually reserve for the shower at 1 am.  I think I was just so tired.  In the middle of my good cry, I felt a tap on my shoulder and it was Spencer.   Usually, when I get a tap on my shoulder, when I am in bed, it means that someone is about to puke, or has a raging fever, or stopped breathing or something I am going to have to take care of. Occasionally, it's Shelbie telling me they are going to McDonalds for breakfast at midnight!

This time, Spencer said, "Mom.  I am sorry you are sick.  You spend so much time taking care of us all the time, I just wondered if I could do something for you tonight? "  Somehow, that made everything better...well, not my fever but the messiness of yesterday seemed just a little bit tidier.

When he left, I resumed crying until I fell asleep crying.  I woke up at 2:30 and realized I wasn't crying anymore.  That was nice!  Sometimes, I wake up hours later still crying. (confessions)

It is definitely a messy middle.  A rumble.  One day, we manage just fine and it really feels like things are improving and the next day,  or even moments later, it feels like I am watching death roll slowly towards our front door, ready to carry one of my kids off.   Those are the moments you flail around, looking for something to tether yourself to...but, it passes.  

I know I need to post more pictures and I will try.  I just don't like to see Spencer so thin and frail and I don't want to remember these days...I want to remember what I am learning but I don't want to remember physical things.

My next post is going to be a happy one!  Despite the sad things and hard things...the kids are happy!  They really are!  I hear them laughing with each other all the time!  And...that makes the rumble of the day a little more bearable.


Photobucket

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Some Results

I was surprised to get a brief update from our doctor this morning.

They did not catch any seizure activity last week.  She said that while that may be good news, it didn't rule out deep structure seizures.   I asked if the test gave any insight to the cause of the slowing of activity in her brain and these were her words.

" No, this does not give an answer ... But it is just one test, done one time ..."

We are still waiting on the MRI results.  I'm not losing hope.  I know, I play this game ALL THE TIME...I wish for problems that no one in their right mind would wish for.  I only do that because it's usually the option with a fix.  Of all the things they are considering to be an issue for Shelbie, seizures are the simplest explanation and medication would manage it.

I'm certain we aren't going to find a solution to her problems any time soon.  While I sat in the waiting room during her 2 hour MRI last Thursday, there was a couple in the room as well.  A…

Random Saturday

Whenever I feel like we are careening out of control, I declutter and clean.  By midnight on Friday, I had 1/3 of my living room filled with stuff I didn't want.  Today, I made a couple of trips to the thrift store and the dump.

Ahhh, I feel like I lost 20 pounds.

When Sam came home after his first week at school a while back, he said, "Wow, my room looks the same."

"What did you think your room would look like?"  I asked.

"Clean."

Turkey!  He came home this morning with his laundry and was a bit despaired.  He said, "Mom, you gotta help me with the smell in my apartment!  I can't stand it anymore! Do we have any Ozium?"

He went on to explain that there is no garbage disposal in the kitchen sink but food gets crammed down there anyways.  He said he keeps putting the little metal drains in that are meant to catch bits of food but his roommates take them out.  He's about fed up.  And while he was on his rant about boys and their leve…

A Witness

I was expecting just another run of the mill night at the gym last night.  The kind where the 'meat heads' stay at their end of the gym grunting and groaning to sound strong and I would claim a little corner in the room where the Yogi's hang out and Plank, and there I would Spin on a bike for a few miles, do some rowing, a little TRX and finish up with some free weights.

Last night though, I actually decided to do an easier workout and took an inclined walk on the treadmill.  There were no meat heads in far end of the gym.  No one really at the gym at all.  For the longest time, I kept pace with an old guy on a bike behind me.

But then, a man and his son came in.  I knew them.  I knew them well but they don't know just how well I know them.  They have a son who passed away from Cystic Fibrosis a little while ago, he would have been Spencer's age now.  They have a younger son who also has CF.  I knew his wife and mother in law back when my kids were being diagnosed.…