I don't usually post twice in one day but I can't let this day slip by without recognizing the little things that brought Heaven a little closer to home today.
It's been an emotional day. On my way to church, I heard a Christmas song and again, I was filled with gratitude for my Savior; His birth and His death. The thoughts dangled on my heart and flooded my mind with all the ways in which we have been blessed. I remembered that the Holidays are upon us and have always been the hardest two months of my life because of the overwhelm I feel daily for our blessings, the gratitude that we have been carried another year... Another day I have been gifted to be with my kids.
The tears really ramped up when a sister I admire, and look to when my mind gets carried away with all the what ifs and maybes that come with an advancing disease, came to put her arm around me before Sacrament meeting started. She lost her own precious son to Cystic Fibrosis. She listens to the chaos my heart sometimes speaks and assures me that it is all part of loving these sweet spirits and part of the letting go. She never judges, just has a calm reassurance for me that I can do this.
The tears carried me through the sacrament and I contemplated just coming home but to leave and walk through the chapel with a mess of tears on my face seemed less than exciting to me. So, I sat there, alone on my little pew, hoping everyone else was completely distracted. Sometimes, there are no words for all the emotions I feel in any given moment...from fear to anger to gratitude to love. Gosh...they can gain momentum as one collides with another on the other end of the spectrum of thoughts.
As I had left for Church and Shelbie left for her ward, I asked Spencer what he was doing for his Sacrament meeting. He said he had planned to watch some conference talks again. When I got home, I asked him how his 'meeting' was and he said he listened to Elder Holland's talk again on Mothers.
I found that to be an interesting choice for him. I was glad he had listened to that. It made what came next a little easier. We had to sit down and make a plan for him for this week. A realistic plan. Even though he is not feeling any better, we still have to make the whole college experience work because it was paid for with a Pell Grant. It was a hard talk, and I cried. He doesn't want me to be sad. The mother in me wants to keep him home and nurse him back to health. The mother in me can be selfish. I am a co creator with God and he gave me an extra dose of nurturing or something because I cry easily when it comes to my kids.
After discussing options with his Dad too, Spencer decided he better go back to Utah and finish out the next three weeks of school. His dad and I will cover his expenses for the rest of the year until he his guided further in what to do with his job. He wants to go back to the company his Mission President owns where he has been working since September. They have been so kind to give him a job and I truly believe that they have prayed about the job to give Spencer. It's not the job he wanted but without a doubt, it was the best place for him and he enjoyed working hard. Spencer is too weak still to get back to that full time. He doesn't want to let them down again, so it's a decision that only he and the Lord can determine. For now...it's just going to be getting through school.
Needless to say, there are a lot of tears tonight. My heart can hardly bear to drive him back to Utah tomorrow and say goodbye when he is still so fragile and weak. But, no matter how far he is from me, he is the same distance from God. I have to let him stay in the Lord's hands. I had asked him to make a plan for how he was going to take care of himself. I saw his list of goals and it surprised me that there wasn't one physical goal on the list... It was things like..."Attend the temple, Pray for opportunities to serve, Increase my spirituality."
I love my kids. They may get distracted from time to time and get caught up in the drama of what is happening in the world but when it comes down to it...they know where to turn for peace and direction. They know that as they give themselves to the Lord, He will lead them along and the answers we seek and future we dread will work out.
My heart is full of things I can hardly express. I love this song by Hilary Weeks. She expresses everything I am feeling tonight and I pay tribute to everyone out there being tested with anything...He'll carry you!