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It's not what you think it is...

This has, without a doubt, been a difficult three weeks. There have been days, I couldn't say for certainty that Spencer would make it even another 24 hours.  Truth be told, it's been a difficult 23 years of disease with my three most precious blessings to whom I cling to for dear life.  It seems that the obvious problem here has everything to do with a broken immune system, failing bone marrow, shortened telomeres and aggressive bacteria that mows down whatever was left in a struggling GI tract.

But is it that obvious?  Is this really the biggest problem we face?

I wonder.

Today, I see a different picture as this coming week casts a dark shadow on this Sabbath Day...the Day I always look forward to.  The day I renew my strength and faith for the coming week and unseen events that will surely come.

Today, I have given thought to the children of Israel.  To Noah.  To Nephi.  To the Brother of Jared.  To all those who found themselves in a desert.  Lost.  Dark looming clouds.  Dead ends.  No where to turn but to God.  They all learned to walk with God; to trust in his plan for them. They traveled through the unknown together.  They learned to do the needful thing.   They learned to recognize, accept and rejoice in their daily bread, the manna that sustained them for the day.  They learned to live in the moment even though the situation most certainly called for planning and speculation. Bit by bit they built Arks without any experience, knowledge or even modern tools, they ate the manna, knowing more would come the next day.

I guess I have always seen my task in growing my Faith as the bigger challenge, even more so than disease.  If I had the faith, the peace, the courage that the children of Israel had or Noah or any of the Greats had, the disease process would have no meaning to me.  Financial trouble would have no effect on me emotionally.  I would see it for what it was.  I would embrace the truth that life goes on whether here, or on the other side of a thin veil.

Today, I am searching for my daily bread.  Today.  I am trying to feel Christ close by and take this walk with Him.  Today, I am trying not to panic about a million other things that have nothing to do with illness. Today, just as it is everyday, I'm learning to trust, to live in this moment, to increase in faith because at the end of the day, all I have is my faith to get through all of this; the disease process, the mounting financial burdens, the work that I am falling behind on.

It's the push and pull between my heart and my mind that is the real struggle.  It's seeing all the problems of mortality I have, but knowing from past experience that it's going to be okay.

So, on this Sabbath...I find myself calling down the powers of Heaven because we really need some direction as we embark on another tough week.



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