Why am I doing this?

Today has been a long day.

We left early for Seattle, and as the miles stretched out ahead of us, I felt tired.  I wondered what was driving me to make this trip again!  It's such a long way to go.  Sometimes, it feels like I am chasing my tail.  Maybe I just need to be content with where we are at.  Maybe it's only hurting them to keep going for one more consultation.  One more test.  One more theory..

So, today, I drove and thought.  It has been a hard year and not a graceful one at that.  I don't think I could really find the words to describe how it felt getting our Dykeratosis Congenita diagnosis on the boys and not Shelbie.  I still can't find a way to really describe how heartbreaking it is.  I can't even write it.  The feelings are stuck inside.  They are big and scary and can really only be contained in my head.

Despite the hard times, there is still Hope.  There is still Faith.

I guess it's Hope and Faith that drives me towards Seattle again. It's worth every penny and drop of gas to help my kids.  Even if we come up empty handed, even at this point, dead ends and wrong roads are still answers.  Not the answers I want but answers nonetheless.  We know what it isn't.

I wonder if Dr. Torgerson has any idea how much I have been praying for him?  I wonder if he knows how much faith and hope I have in him.  I wonder if he knows how many pieces my heart is in?  I wonder if he knows that we just need someone to listen, to be compassionate, to not dismiss me as a desperate, crazy mother.

Why am I doing this?  Because I love my kids more than anything.  They are the reason for everything I do.  They are my purpose for living, even for being born!  I was being prepared by Heavenly Father for 23 years to take care of them.  They are my greatest work.  I feel badly for the way I have handled this year.  It has been less than graceful and I feel like I have let my kids down.  Though I've lost my balance...I still have hope and faith that this visit will lead us to the next best thing.  I know that God hasn't given up on me yet!



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