This is going to be funny...even though it's not.
This is going to be the most truthful blog post I have probably ever written and quite possibly might ever write again!
I have really been struggling with anxiety and such the last little while. All the issues I've been having with our doctor has really affected me, not to mention everything that has transpired all year.
Ya know, a girl can only handle so much and then, you reach the end of your proverbial rope and not only have you run out of length to tie a knot and 'swing' on it, as the old saying goes, you don't even have a frayed edge to grab hold of. You're just done. Free falling into chronic, medical world, oblivion.
I couldn't imagine trying to face the Oncologist appointment we had this week. I was having a panic attack just thinking about it. I scheduled an appointment to see my doctor so that I could get something to calm me down. Just a little something to get me through the next month of tough appointments. My appointment was two hours before Sam's appointment with the doctor in question.
I thought it would be fine. I thought I would play it cool. Be my typical, pulled together, happy go lucky girl. I thought I would go in there and say something like, "Hey, good to see you!!! Love your hair! So, I was wondering if I could get a little somethin', somethin' for anxiety? Ya know, just a little somethin'?"
And she would say...
"Hey good to see you too! Nice shoes! Ya, no problem!"
And...that would be that! Done.
Instead...
I develop an awesome tremor. My blood pressure is 149/85. My head is pounding and I'm pretty sure I'm about to stroke! The nurse taking my vitals says, "You smell awesome" she said nothing about my shoes. She walks me to a room. I sit. I start crawling out of my skin. I debate leaving. I'm not anxious...I just have high blood pressure, I try to convince myself. I just had one moment of anxiety, that doesn't mean I have a problem. I got this. It was just a bad day.
The door opens, in walks my doc. She's really nice. I wanted to tell her I loved her hair but instead, I offered her some tears. No hello. No lovely sentiments of catching up...just flat out crying.
Okay, if I'm going to be honest, it wasn't just crying. It was like a snorting kind of sob. Complete with my head in my hands. My shoulders nicely rounded, shaking appropriately...it was like a 10 if I were being judged for the leading-role-in-a-dramatic-performance-as-a-patient, award show from the American Medical Association judges.
Let me put it another way. I was standing there, watching myself literally fall apart and couldn't believe my eyes!
I couldn't even speak.
I couldn't even lift up my head
Never wear silk on cry days...One tiny tear drop spreads across the whole front of the shirt. Pretty soon, there was a little creek of tears making it's way down the folds and dropping off the chair to the river of no return below!
My nose was a faucet...I was looking for the little Dutch Boy to stop the leaks. The dam was breaking. This was it. This is how a completely, once sane woman, ends up rocking in a padded room!
The doctor said, "Oh, Gosh. You need some help don't you?
Me, I just sit there crying some more. I don't even try to stop now. I mean why stop? I'm on a roll, I already appear crazy...you can't fix crazy!
Now, as I look back on the day, from this point in the visit, it sort of turned into a game of charades.
Doctor: Ok, so you are having a panic attack? You have anxiety?
I felt like she should have just said, "First word... how many syllables? You're crying!! You're happy?" With each guess, I just nod, keep sobbing. "NO...You're sad!! You're sad because...you broke a nail!! Okay....NO...Let me think...You hate doctors??!!"
And then, I would stand up and shout...YES!!! You guessed it!!! You win!!! I'm a loser!!!
Seriously...I don't really get like this very often. I'm pretty solid...I use to be anyways until this stuff became so chronic! What a drag! I hate it when my emotional brakes just decide to fail!
She was super nice though. A great doctor. I've only seen her once before so I really had no idea what to expect. She was aware that my kids got a new diagnosis so that helped in her game of charades. She didn't judge me at all, at least not to my face. For all I know she left the room and had a good laugh with the nurses! No, probably not. She's really nice. She made me feel like it was completely normal that I was falling to pieces and melting off the chair. And, it seems she really likes a good game of charades! I mean, who doesn't?
I think I bankrupted them in Kleenex. I made a mess of the floor, left a salty trail of tear droppings behind me but other than that, it was a good visit! I thought it went well, exactly how I had imagined it would go...I mean, sort of. Kind of.
I never did pull it together. I thought maybe some nice folks waiting in the waiting room would like to guess what was wrong with me too, oh and all the people I passed in the hallway on my out. They probably all just felt sorry for me. I was in an OB/GYN Clinic so they probably thought...oh that poor old lady just found out she's going through 'THE CHANGE', Oh Sad... Bleh!
The crying stopped somewhere between the office and the pharmacy. When the pharmacist handed me the prescription, he said, "Do you know why she prescribed this?" Seriously, he did!! Everyone pretty much knows why she prescribed it...except for me I guess..I was too busy playing games!
Ahhh, don't mess with me dude!!! Was that suppose to be a trick question? I felt the crying coming on again...apparently, he was begging for a game of charades too! What is it with people?
What is it with me? I have got to sort this crazy life out!!
Anyways...I survived the later appointment with Sam...no tears!!! It was lovely. Boring without the games I like to play...but lovely all the same!
I have really been struggling with anxiety and such the last little while. All the issues I've been having with our doctor has really affected me, not to mention everything that has transpired all year.
Ya know, a girl can only handle so much and then, you reach the end of your proverbial rope and not only have you run out of length to tie a knot and 'swing' on it, as the old saying goes, you don't even have a frayed edge to grab hold of. You're just done. Free falling into chronic, medical world, oblivion.
I couldn't imagine trying to face the Oncologist appointment we had this week. I was having a panic attack just thinking about it. I scheduled an appointment to see my doctor so that I could get something to calm me down. Just a little something to get me through the next month of tough appointments. My appointment was two hours before Sam's appointment with the doctor in question.
I thought it would be fine. I thought I would play it cool. Be my typical, pulled together, happy go lucky girl. I thought I would go in there and say something like, "Hey, good to see you!!! Love your hair! So, I was wondering if I could get a little somethin', somethin' for anxiety? Ya know, just a little somethin'?"
And she would say...
"Hey good to see you too! Nice shoes! Ya, no problem!"
And...that would be that! Done.
Instead...
I develop an awesome tremor. My blood pressure is 149/85. My head is pounding and I'm pretty sure I'm about to stroke! The nurse taking my vitals says, "You smell awesome" she said nothing about my shoes. She walks me to a room. I sit. I start crawling out of my skin. I debate leaving. I'm not anxious...I just have high blood pressure, I try to convince myself. I just had one moment of anxiety, that doesn't mean I have a problem. I got this. It was just a bad day.
The door opens, in walks my doc. She's really nice. I wanted to tell her I loved her hair but instead, I offered her some tears. No hello. No lovely sentiments of catching up...just flat out crying.
Okay, if I'm going to be honest, it wasn't just crying. It was like a snorting kind of sob. Complete with my head in my hands. My shoulders nicely rounded, shaking appropriately...it was like a 10 if I were being judged for the leading-role-in-a-dramatic-performance-as-a-patient, award show from the American Medical Association judges.
Let me put it another way. I was standing there, watching myself literally fall apart and couldn't believe my eyes!
I couldn't even speak.
I couldn't even lift up my head
Never wear silk on cry days...One tiny tear drop spreads across the whole front of the shirt. Pretty soon, there was a little creek of tears making it's way down the folds and dropping off the chair to the river of no return below!
My nose was a faucet...I was looking for the little Dutch Boy to stop the leaks. The dam was breaking. This was it. This is how a completely, once sane woman, ends up rocking in a padded room!
The doctor said, "Oh, Gosh. You need some help don't you?
Me, I just sit there crying some more. I don't even try to stop now. I mean why stop? I'm on a roll, I already appear crazy...you can't fix crazy!
Now, as I look back on the day, from this point in the visit, it sort of turned into a game of charades.
Doctor: Ok, so you are having a panic attack? You have anxiety?
I felt like she should have just said, "First word... how many syllables? You're crying!! You're happy?" With each guess, I just nod, keep sobbing. "NO...You're sad!! You're sad because...you broke a nail!! Okay....NO...Let me think...You hate doctors??!!"
And then, I would stand up and shout...YES!!! You guessed it!!! You win!!! I'm a loser!!!
Seriously...I don't really get like this very often. I'm pretty solid...I use to be anyways until this stuff became so chronic! What a drag! I hate it when my emotional brakes just decide to fail!
She was super nice though. A great doctor. I've only seen her once before so I really had no idea what to expect. She was aware that my kids got a new diagnosis so that helped in her game of charades. She didn't judge me at all, at least not to my face. For all I know she left the room and had a good laugh with the nurses! No, probably not. She's really nice. She made me feel like it was completely normal that I was falling to pieces and melting off the chair. And, it seems she really likes a good game of charades! I mean, who doesn't?
I think I bankrupted them in Kleenex. I made a mess of the floor, left a salty trail of tear droppings behind me but other than that, it was a good visit! I thought it went well, exactly how I had imagined it would go...I mean, sort of. Kind of.
I never did pull it together. I thought maybe some nice folks waiting in the waiting room would like to guess what was wrong with me too, oh and all the people I passed in the hallway on my out. They probably all just felt sorry for me. I was in an OB/GYN Clinic so they probably thought...oh that poor old lady just found out she's going through 'THE CHANGE', Oh Sad... Bleh!
The crying stopped somewhere between the office and the pharmacy. When the pharmacist handed me the prescription, he said, "Do you know why she prescribed this?" Seriously, he did!! Everyone pretty much knows why she prescribed it...except for me I guess..I was too busy playing games!
Ahhh, don't mess with me dude!!! Was that suppose to be a trick question? I felt the crying coming on again...apparently, he was begging for a game of charades too! What is it with people?
What is it with me? I have got to sort this crazy life out!!
Anyways...I survived the later appointment with Sam...no tears!!! It was lovely. Boring without the games I like to play...but lovely all the same!
Comments
Post a Comment