I Just Realized...

It is strange when the very realities of life really couldn't be seen before but from nowhere wake you up like a call at 3:00am.  I just realized that Shelbie really is sick.  For the last couple of years, she has become more and more tired, run down and never seems to feel well.  For the last couple of years, I have tried to coax her into finding a life worth living.  I have done that again this week.  In my mind, I think if I can just get her back into a new routine of 'normal' then she will fair better or if she gets off the couch she lays on all day and does something, then she will feel better.  I made her go to work for an hour on Monday and Tuesday.  Tonight I convinced her that going to Idaho Falls with us would be a nice break from the house.  Spencer wanted to find a snow board jacket and I had some returns to make.  It's fun to hang out with my kids shopping.  She decided that was a good idea. 

We all headed in and not even 10 min. into our first store, she is done.  Her head hurts, she's dizzy, she feels sick to her stomach and like she just ran a marathon.  I got really frustrated because I guess deep down, I don't want to see her sick.  I push her so hard because somehow, I think if she is 'doing' something than everything is okay. I have never wanted my children to define themselves by the illnesses they keep.  They are bigger than that! 

By the third stop, she was crying.  "You just don't get it do you?  I am sick.  I feel sick all the time, I can't do the things you want me to do.  I can't walk around these stores.  I just can't but you don't seem to care."
I care but I don't want to accept that she really is sick and she may not get any better than this.  I like to pretend that things are going to get better but maybe it's time to face reality.  I need to stop making things better.  I can't make things better.  I guess that's what hurts the most.  I use to be able to kiss it all away.  I just want to see my kids without the accessory of suffering. 

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