Skip to main content

Super Human

Well, another weekend has come and gone.  I'm not exactly sure what to write tonight.  I have thought long and hard about this blog.  Sometimes, I think it is all just too much.  It's too much to write, it's too much to read.  I keep thinking I just need to make up something good and funny.

But...this is the real deal.  This blog is about what it feels like to live with this disease.  I think it may come as surprise to many that I am not perfect.  Surprise!  I'm not.  I'm not perfect and I'm not super human.  I don't have any special skill set you don't.  I haven't been given a leg up on faith or hope that makes me anymore equipped to deal with this than you or anyone else would have.

At times, I think I could win the gold for an Olympic event for the highest and farthest jump to conclusions.  In the next minute, I'm a Queen for the day...the Queen of Denial.  And then, in another quick blink of the eye, I'm exhausted beyond any description of fatigue and exhaustion and cry without having a really good reason to do so.  One day, I am on my game!  I'm a valiant daughter of God with a keen spiritual sense of the direction we are going and I'm 'okay' with what is happening. The next day, I somehow wandered so far from that I hardly recognize the terrain.

It's a mess...but somehow, we keep going.

Last night, in the middle of the night, I was awakened by a hysterical Shelbie.  If you think you can't find the words to say to me when we bump into each other at the grocery store, try finding words for your 23 year old daughter at 1 in the morning, who still has a lifetime of dreams in her head.  There are no words but I have arms to hold her and that's all I do.  I just hold her...and then we make popcorn!  No joke!  That's what she wanted.  I actually think it's an awesome coping tool because I am finding that there definitely needs to be an activity to break the spiraling thoughts that lead to nothing but despair and depression.  This has been my observation for the week...spend a minute or two listening, talking, validating, witnessing then...switch gears.  Literally switch it off.

Tonight, denial has been hanging out and I think to myself that this all going to blow over in a week or two.  Wouldn't that be great if it did?

But...then, today at church, I was sitting next to a lady who lives a couple of doors down from me.  We rarely talk but the teacher of the class had asked us to discuss with the person next to us a concept about something.  Neither one of us had anything to say about the concept so we just sat there in silence.  Then, out of the blue, she holds her phone out to me and showed me a picture of Christ holding Mary and Martha, the sisters of Lazarus.  I said nothing.  I looked at her a bit confused.  She said, "I watched this bible video about Christ raising Lazarus from the dead.  I loved how he took Mary and Martha in his arms and held them while they cried. He cried too.  It's a tender thought don't you think?"

Yes...a tender thought for sure.  In that moment, I wondered if I will be able to feel Christ holding me as he sees these struggles I am enduring with my kids.



Popular posts from this blog


It has been an emotional weekend!  Holy Smokes.  I need a vacation from being sensitive.

It's been months since I have been able to find my homeless friend May.

Monday, I had this overwhelming feeling that she was in trouble and it dawned on me that I should call the apartment where she was last known to be.  They didn't answer.  They didn't answer my call all week!  Finally, yesterday (Friday) they called me back.  I was afraid that they wouldn't give me any information about May since I wasn't family so I lied!  I told them she was my great Aunt.  The manager hummed and hawed and finally gave the phone to a man who wondered what I wanted with her.  After some convincing, he told me that she had been arrested and taken to the State Mental Hospital.

I was so sad!  I immediately called the State Hospital and asked if I could speak to her but of course, they can't tell me if she is there or not...and, I couldn't remember her first, legal name.  She has sever…

Obscure Sorrows

I sat on the bench like I usually do on Saturday mornings, the organ music was slow and quiet.  I think that's why I like playing there; its just slow and quiet.  I set the pace.  I mostly keep my eye on the music for fear of messing up but I did notice a couple walk in.  I had known them a few years ago, not well, but enough.  Enough to notice each other and say Hi.  I had heard recently that she had breast cancer.  She's likely a good 10 years younger than me.  Her red wig was striking, her eyebrows carefully in place and by all accounts, she made cancer look good.  
I had the strangest feeling I've never had before.  She has no idea, that somehow, I know all about her recent strife with cancer.  I have heard how it struck, how she deals; I know more than a distant acquaintance like me should know.   She is living this complicated, unfair, story that went off in a way she scarcely expected.  For a moment, I felt like I was an extra in her 3rd act; the struggle.  And, I wo…

Wonder Woman...

It's been months of ongoing stress around here...that's nothing new but as a family, we use to be so good at unplugging from the hard times to escape into something resembling fun and not tragic. We haven't done that for a very long time, in fact, I can't really remember the last time.

On Tuesday, Shelbie announced that we needed to go to a movie.
"Like, right now?"  I asked
"Yes, why not?" She said
"Well, it's 11:30 in the morning?" as I said it, I was wondering if that was even a valid reason.  Who says you can only watch movies between the hours of 6 and 10 at night?  "I have a major interview tomorrow and presentation?  I should stay focused?"  I had all these reasons that I was trying to coax my head into believing and they weren't working.  "Ya know, that's a good idea, let's go!"

Really, it was the best decision.  I use to be spontaneous with the kids but then life happened, and kept happening. …