Well, another weekend has come and gone. I'm not exactly sure what to write tonight. I have thought long and hard about this blog. Sometimes, I think it is all just too much. It's too much to write, it's too much to read. I keep thinking I just need to make up something good and funny.
But...this is the real deal. This blog is about what it feels like to live with this disease. I think it may come as surprise to many that I am not perfect. Surprise! I'm not. I'm not perfect and I'm not super human. I don't have any special skill set you don't. I haven't been given a leg up on faith or hope that makes me anymore equipped to deal with this than you or anyone else would have.
At times, I think I could win the gold for an Olympic event for the highest and farthest jump to conclusions. In the next minute, I'm a Queen for the day...the Queen of Denial. And then, in another quick blink of the eye, I'm exhausted beyond any description of fatigue and exhaustion and cry without having a really good reason to do so. One day, I am on my game! I'm a valiant daughter of God with a keen spiritual sense of the direction we are going and I'm 'okay' with what is happening. The next day, I somehow wandered so far from that I hardly recognize the terrain.
It's a mess...but somehow, we keep going.
Last night, in the middle of the night, I was awakened by a hysterical Shelbie. If you think you can't find the words to say to me when we bump into each other at the grocery store, try finding words for your 23 year old daughter at 1 in the morning, who still has a lifetime of dreams in her head. There are no words but I have arms to hold her and that's all I do. I just hold her...and then we make popcorn! No joke! That's what she wanted. I actually think it's an awesome coping tool because I am finding that there definitely needs to be an activity to break the spiraling thoughts that lead to nothing but despair and depression. This has been my observation for the week...spend a minute or two listening, talking, validating, witnessing then...switch gears. Literally switch it off.
Tonight, denial has been hanging out and I think to myself that this all going to blow over in a week or two. Wouldn't that be great if it did?
But...then, today at church, I was sitting next to a lady who lives a couple of doors down from me. We rarely talk but the teacher of the class had asked us to discuss with the person next to us a concept about something. Neither one of us had anything to say about the concept so we just sat there in silence. Then, out of the blue, she holds her phone out to me and showed me a picture of Christ holding Mary and Martha, the sisters of Lazarus. I said nothing. I looked at her a bit confused. She said, "I watched this bible video about Christ raising Lazarus from the dead. I loved how he took Mary and Martha in his arms and held them while they cried. He cried too. It's a tender thought don't you think?"
Yes...a tender thought for sure. In that moment, I wondered if I will be able to feel Christ holding me as he sees these struggles I am enduring with my kids.
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