I think it was Nephi, in the Book of Mormon who said, "I know that he loveth his children, nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things."
I don't understand what is happening to us but I know that Heavenly Father loves us. That's about all I know. I know that he loves us enough to trust us with some big things. I know that he loves me to send me three spirits who would fill my life with joy and love and meaning. I know that he is continually orchestrating impossible things for my peace and happiness.
Yet, I don't know why he chose me to take care of these three beautiful spirits. I don't know how we will do the things we have been called upon to do. I don't know if I really can live by faith alone. I don't know if I can watch one more day of suffering and sorrow in this world or in my children. I don't know how we are going to make it.
We spent the morning at the hospital for Shelbie's CT Scan with contrast. She was in good spirits considering she had to drink some horrible stuff the night before and the morning of. She was joking with the hospital staff through the three failed IV starts. Her eyes were bright and smiled even though it was not easy.
I had just enough time, after the test to get her and our new addition (Let's just call her...little bear for lack of a better name or using her real name) home and then myself back up to the hospital for a presentation to part of the hospital board on their new Infusion Therapy Space. I needed to sell them on a completely new plan than what had already been approved. The company doing the design didn't feel right about what they had designed in the space planning and called me in to consult. I came up with a unique plan but since it was so different than mainstream hospital design, it potentially would be a hard sell. I really wanted to please the company who asked me to step in. I wanted them to look good so this was really important to me.
Before I made it up to the presentation, my car died. Thankfully, it died in front of the repair place I would have taken it to anyways. I called Shelbie and she managed to come and pick me up. I drove her home and borrowed her car to get back up to the hospital for my presentation. After that, I ran home with 5 minutes to spare for my next appointment to meet with Little Bear's mom and get her registered for online school. That took two hours. I ran to clean a house then back to get ready for my consultation with new clients at 6. The kids and I were going to go out to grab some dinner for the one hour I had between appointments.
Just as we were leaving, the doctor called.
The news is not especially good. Shelbie's abdomen is full of enlarged, abnormal lymph nodes and the entire cavity is full of inflammation. He wants her to see Oncology ASAP. This doesn't mean that she has cancer for certain. It means, they don't know what to make of it.
Shelbie had joked that her back was probably fine but that they would find something else, even before she had the MRI on Wednesday. She was right! I too, feel certain that she had to fall down the basement stairs so that they could find this major problem. In that regard, I feel hope. Heavenly Father needed this to be discovered so it could be treated so that she can complete her mission here on earth.
I was asked by an architect to partner with him on a new design for the hospital. I really enjoy working with him and we work so well together. We have the same vision for design. We have a mutual respect for each other's strengths and help each other in every possible way. So, when he said he was stumped and needed my help, it didn't seem possible because he is so amazing. The highlight of the last week has been working for him. Incidentally, I was only given 5 days to space plan this project, draw a 3D drawing with animations and video and have all the materials, finishes and fabrics selected. I've never done a major project in 5 days. Somehow, it fell into place so easily. I looked at the space the first time and it was as if I knew exactly what to do. I could see it in my mind. I know that God was designing that for me. I can not take credit for any of it. Just another small, tender mercy.
We will see. I don't yet understand the scope of what we may or may not be dealing with. I don't understand why I had a confirmation to take Little Bear when we may not be able to manage that. I don't know...I don't know if my poor heart will ever stop breaking. I don't know when I am going to get one ounce of sleep.
Shelbie is so sad. She is so scared. When I told her, she fell into my arms, and like my little girl, I held her so tight and rocked her like any mother would. In the sweetest moment, Sam stood up and wrapped his big strong arms around us both and the three of us stood there and cried. And Cried.
Then, probably the most heart wrenching moment of all...Shelbie looked at me and burst into tears again and said, "I have to get out of here! I can't stay here with you! I can't stand to look at your face!" Then through more waves of sobbing said, "I can't leave you! You are my best friend! Please!! MOM, Please don't let me die."
And in case you wondered what that moment is like when cancer might be your new reality...This was that moment. Sam drove her to her friend's while I made some quick calls before my meeting.
I called my Wasband. I called Spencer (Who by the way...was stranded on the mountain at Snowbird yesterday due to an avalanche...he's okay but couldn't get off the mountain from Wednesday afternoon until tonight-Thursday. They arranged for him to be in a lodge with some other workers. He's okay thank goodness...) I called my parents and my siblings.
Ahh...It's been the longest night ever. I called my good friend to see if she could stay with Shelbie for a couple of hours today while I run to get a root canal but Shelbie is planning to work. Lori was the Wish Granter for my kids and we are still close. She is the kindest person I know. I had another good friend ask if she could help me clean the office building tonight and I was so grateful for her thoughtfulness. I was tempted to be strong and say no but I knew I needed her. Not really to help me clean but to have a moment to fall apart with someone instead of being alone. That was better than any other kind of service that could have been offered.
So, we have had a blessed day. A day when the hand of God has been seen and his loving spirit felt. We will wait anxiously to hear when we can see Oncology. This is not going to be easy but come what may...I know that God loves his children!
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