Skip to main content

I AM...

I am...

What comes after these two words is what is coming for you next.

This, according to Joel Osteen and his new book , The Power of, I Am.

I haven't read it but I saw these two words on the cover of his new book and they struck me with a force I wasn't expecting.

I spend a lot of time saying...I am...tired.   I am sick.  I am sick and tired.  I am...choose anything regarding exhaustion and that is what I am most of the time.

Today is the first day of a new year and I wanted to wake up with inspiring words falling out of my head and catching on the edge of my tongue; something equally forceful and powerful to the two smallest words in the English language- I AM... I thought it would be incredible!  Inspirational!  Powerful!  Moving!  Exceptional!  Abundant!

That didn't happen.  I am full of good intentions.  I am overflowing with wishful thinking.

I have been alone for the majority of the past week.  No kids.  I had one day with Spencer, Shelbie's been in California all week and Sam has a social calendar that makes this 40 something look pathetic.  I am pathetic...that is what I woke up to this morning. Pathetic thoughts about myself.  Sometimes, the silence is suffocating and strangles the feelings of loneliness even more!

I have found that I have given away little pieces of myself to this very undeserving disease.  I gave everything I had to caring for my kids and everyone around me but forgot to take care of myself.  It seems selfish and I am anything but selfish.  And now, being alone, I see that there is nothing left of me.  Nothing to define me; ground me, without my kids.  They are more than the reason I get up every day.  Man...I didn't see this coming!  

Despite my very best efforts to not let this disease define us, take from us...it did.  It has.

I am not giving up.  It seems to be a popular tradition lately, at the beginning of a new year to choose a word for the year; something inspiring, something to live up to.  I think I will choose the words, I- AM... I will keep working on what comes next.  Life is all about trying right?

Have you noticed just how often you use these two words in a given day?  Just in this post, without trying...I redefined this phrase a half a dozen times!  If what comes after these two words are the thing that is coming for you next...that's an impressive notion.

So...what are you?


Photobucket

Comments

  1. It is difficult to define yourself as your kids grow older and leave the next, when all you've ever been or ever wanted to be is their mom. I am struggling with this a lot right now. What am I now that my kids are grown? What do I even want to be?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your thoughts. I'm glad I'm not alone in this...I know I'm not but it doesn't seem to be something we talk about much. Hang in there!

      Delete
  2. I don't know, but I hope to soon...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Let me know how you figure it all out! When you figure it all out!

      Delete
  3. I am ....inspired by your honesty! :)

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Things that can't be counted.

Albert Einstein said, "Not everything that can be counted counts and not everything that counts can be counted."

You count the hours in a day, the days in a month, the months in a year. You can count calories, your money, your chickens, even before they hatch!   But what does all that accounting count for?

We count and manage the things that we can measure, the tangible things of life.  We tally the score and size someone up according to the numbers.  To count anything other than the concrete things we can see and measure, seems a lot like herding chickens.  We can say, "I love you THIS much!" and spread our arms out but what is that?  How much is 'this'?  Intangible things are often immeasurable, fleeting, circumstantial, seemingly small; a moment of joy here, a little bit of love there.  By not measuring the abstract, we remain in a state of survival, just getting by, fitting in to the numbers game.

I recently heard about the country of Bhutan and what I …

That boy!

Sam loves to think he is invincible.  He loves to push the limits physically.

Tuesday morning, I decided to gently tell him his heart is showing increased signs of struggle and he should take a little more caution in how far he pushes himself.  I tried to balance the reality with what I know he can handle emotionally.

Well, he got mad.   "I've had a heart problem forever, it's not just going to quit now, the week before a pacemaker!"

"Even hearts have an expiration date.  God doesn't want us to do dumb things to create more trouble than is necessary.  Just tone it down, that's all." was my reply.

He left for work right after, mad.  He slammed the front door and was gone.

About 2 hours later, he came back through the door with a bruised face and the skin off his nose with blood all over.

"What happened??!!"
"I'm not telling you!"
"hmmmm, you did something crazy to prove a point that you can do whatever you want."

H…

Standing Amazed

I should break this up into a couple of posts rather than one long one...but here we go!

Friday was Spencer's birthday!  23 years for this son of mine.  He couldn't come home from Utah until Saturday so we celebrated then.  

Back in May, we stumbled upon this little cafe in a neighboring small town.  With our food, we each got entered in a drawing for a chopper motorcycle.  The ticket Spencer got was his birthdate and the drawing for the bike was the day after his birthday so he was sure it was a sign he would win the bike.  He has held on to that ticket all these months.  Part of his birthday request was to go back for the drawing and pick up his bike!

So we did!  Holy Cow...that little restaurant had transformed into a biker bar!!  It was hilarious and embarrassing.  We have had some friends visiting from Colorado and they were with us.  I really had no idea what the event would be like but clearly, not a wholesome family experience  but it was still kind of fun to see all …