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I AM...

I am...

What comes after these two words is what is coming for you next.

This, according to Joel Osteen and his new book , The Power of, I Am.

I haven't read it but I saw these two words on the cover of his new book and they struck me with a force I wasn't expecting.

I spend a lot of time saying...I am...tired.   I am sick.  I am sick and tired.  I am...choose anything regarding exhaustion and that is what I am most of the time.

Today is the first day of a new year and I wanted to wake up with inspiring words falling out of my head and catching on the edge of my tongue; something equally forceful and powerful to the two smallest words in the English language- I AM... I thought it would be incredible!  Inspirational!  Powerful!  Moving!  Exceptional!  Abundant!

That didn't happen.  I am full of good intentions.  I am overflowing with wishful thinking.

I have been alone for the majority of the past week.  No kids.  I had one day with Spencer, Shelbie's been in California all week and Sam has a social calendar that makes this 40 something look pathetic.  I am pathetic...that is what I woke up to this morning. Pathetic thoughts about myself.  Sometimes, the silence is suffocating and strangles the feelings of loneliness even more!

I have found that I have given away little pieces of myself to this very undeserving disease.  I gave everything I had to caring for my kids and everyone around me but forgot to take care of myself.  It seems selfish and I am anything but selfish.  And now, being alone, I see that there is nothing left of me.  Nothing to define me; ground me, without my kids.  They are more than the reason I get up every day.  Man...I didn't see this coming!  

Despite my very best efforts to not let this disease define us, take from us...it did.  It has.

I am not giving up.  It seems to be a popular tradition lately, at the beginning of a new year to choose a word for the year; something inspiring, something to live up to.  I think I will choose the words, I- AM... I will keep working on what comes next.  Life is all about trying right?

Have you noticed just how often you use these two words in a given day?  Just in this post, without trying...I redefined this phrase a half a dozen times!  If what comes after these two words are the thing that is coming for you next...that's an impressive notion.

So...what are you?


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Comments

  1. It is difficult to define yourself as your kids grow older and leave the next, when all you've ever been or ever wanted to be is their mom. I am struggling with this a lot right now. What am I now that my kids are grown? What do I even want to be?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your thoughts. I'm glad I'm not alone in this...I know I'm not but it doesn't seem to be something we talk about much. Hang in there!

      Delete
  2. I don't know, but I hope to soon...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Let me know how you figure it all out! When you figure it all out!

      Delete
  3. I am ....inspired by your honesty! :)

    ReplyDelete

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