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Added Upon

I can't remember when I had a day as hard as today.   I also can't remember a day as clear as today; a day when I could again see the workings of Heaven come full circle.

It seems like the Adversary really takes advantage of our extremities.  He can't just leave well enough alone and Sunday seems to be the day he just loves wrecking for me.

Spencer is sick, Shelbie was in pain and I just plain forgot to wake up Sam for church so Little Bear and I went on our own. I held it together fairly well through sacrament meeting but Relief Society, not so much.  I could feel my nerves just unraveling.  I ended up having to leave and go sit in the car to pull myself together.  I called my mom and she listened to me sob for 10 minutes.  She had to go to church so I sat there for the remaining hour reading conference talks and crying with my head on the steering wheel.  Just before the meetings ended, I put my make up back on and went back inside to wait for Little Bear.

She seemed to enjoy her classes but she said she wasn't feeling well.  She's had a sore throat for a couple of days.  When we got home, she went straight up to her room.  Shortly after I was home, my dad called.  He had a break between meetings and he wanted to remind me that I could do this.  I have always tried to do God's will and live by faith.  When I do, everything works out.  He shared some stories and scriptures with me which were very helpful.  He also reminded me that he and mom know exactly what this feels like.

Shortly after I was born, my mom was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma.  The doctors didn't give her long to live.  He knows what it feels like to be in my shoes, waiting to hear the verdict on a loved one.  Waiting for surgeries and biopsy results.  He knows how hard it is to plan for the week let alone today.  My mom knows just what it feels like to be told you have a few months to live.  She is the only one who really has an inkling of what Shelbie is feeling.  I thought, isn't it amazing that 47 years later, it's finally clear why my mom and dad had to go through that.  I bet it never crossed their mind that that trial would someday bless their granddaughter.  How can people say that God is anything but great?

After I thought about that for awhile, I felt some peace.

A little after I talked to my dad, Shelbie came upstairs and completely fell to pieces.  She was angry and bitter and then just sad.  She was scared and confused and wanted a plan.  She wants answers right now.  I had to tell her that I wasn't just going to rush into anything but that we would wait upon the Lord to be directed.  She was angry with me and felt like I wasn't taking this seriously.

Spencer then reminded me of how sick he is feeling and that his tonsils are touching each other.  He thinks he needs to have them out.  Probably so.  They wanted to take them out long before his mission.

All in all...I fell apart.  There's been a lot of crying around here.  Somehow, none of this took place in the presence or even earshot of Little Bear.  However, I noticed on the coffee table, three cards addressed to me, Shelbie and Sam.  My card was to inform me that Little Bear doesn't want to be here anymore.  She is planning to leave next week.  My heart sunk even deeper!  We have made her part of our family.  She has such a special spirit and we want to be able to help her and bless her.  We have done our best to meet her needs but somehow, I feel like I failed her.  I feel like I let her doctors and her family down but most of all, her.  I let her down.  Just another moment to feel like our life is just too big for anyone.  I want to be helpful, yet our life that never slows down, gets in the way.  i don't understand why I felt so strongly to help her if it all just came down to two miserable weeks for her.

That was the last straw.

I asked Spencer for a blessing and peace was added upon.


There was a knock on the door.  A member from the Stake Relief Society was there.  She just wanted to check on us.  I told her about our latest drama just as Shelbie walked in.  She told Shelbie how sorry she was that life had to be so hard.  Shelbie's response blew me away..."Well, I read recently that Jesus Christ was way out of his comfort zone when he died for us so it only makes sense that I will be called to step outside of my comfort zone."

After I thought about that for a minute, peace was added upon.

I'm still just struggling.  I have no vision of what this week is going to look like.  All I can see is fatigue that overwhelms me.  I have no idea when we will get into Oncology.  I have no idea what comes next.

I do know this, I will be praying continuously for strength beyond my own.  For understanding, for wisdom, for blessings that I know we don't deserve.  I will be praying for my sweet Shelbie to find the reach of her Father in Heaven and hold on tight.  He has known her for hundreds of thousands of years and only he knows how to succor her.   In all of the ups and downs, the tears and breaking heart, I will feel the peace and love of my Father add upon the tender mercies that I know will come.

I know that when I can get out from under the grief and see things with my eternal, spiritual eyes, I will be amazed to see the wonders of God unfold.  I will see events fall into place for our good and what a sight that will be.

But for now...it's hard and it's sad.




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