Where you stand...

I've been thinking a lot about perspective this morning.  Where you stand can make all the difference in the world, in a life, in a day, in a moment.  One moment, can be changed depending on where you stand.

Last week, it was Sam and Shelbie standing in just the right place, at just the right time when they were able to rescue a woman having a stroke.

This week, we watched the events unfold of a man who had committed suicide in his car, in the hospital parking lot. It was an eerie perspective from where we stood.  We discovered later, that the man was my Wasband's neighbor, Sam's weekend neighbor...he left behind 5 or 6 kids and a sweet and caring wife.   I think about where this man stood...how tired and trapped he must have felt to go to such devastating lengths to find peace and rest.

Last night, Sam was in Walgreen's with his dad picking up some over the counter medicine.  A desperate man, in need of pain pills, came in with a gun attempting to rob the pharmacy.  He too was suicidal as he announced his plans.  He fled through the back door, the police cornered him, multiple shots were fired and he died outside of Walgreen's.  From where they stood, and if the man had of opened fire in the store, he may not be here today.  As they were able to leave, they saw the man, face down on the ground, a life taken.  They were rattled but feeling deep gratitude that their lives were spared.   I sat at my desk at home and listened to the events unfold on a police scanner not knowing someone I loved was there, watching it all unfold.  It wasn't until I got a call from my Wasband that I panicked...even though they were okay.  It matters where you stand.  It changes things.

This morning, I checked in on my blogging friend Alisa.  She is in some horrible stage of Melanoma cancer.  I have watched her battle this with a fierce courage only a mother with three young boys could muster.  It's hard to stand on the outskirts of pain and just watch helplessly as a family is changed.  Whether she lives or dies remains to be seen but whatever the outcome God has in store, from where I stand, this family will be different.  Never the same.  I appreciated the perspective of her husband as he updated her blog.  He has always approached the unfolding drama of cancer with a touch of humor and sarcasm.  I'm sure he does it to protect his own, underlying emotion, so raw with fear of losing the woman he loves.  This morning, he admitted this wasn't so funny anymore...I don't want to stand where I am...just looking in on an intimate moment of a precious family.  Over and over I think of what her kids are feeling, her husband, her parents, her siblings, her in laws, her closest friends and it kills me.  I feel so sad for them as I watch this happen.  I want to fix it for them. I want to stand in a different place...as I'm sure they wish they could as well.

I have thought about events that have unfolded in Colorado for Spencer and ultimately our family.  A couple has been involved in the testing of a machine that changes the frequency of cells in the body.  Spencer has tried it a couple of times and from what he reports, his pain is less.  It's interesting to read her emails to me.  They are full of hope...hope springs eternal depending on where you stand.  From where I stand, it's not the same.  It's complicated.  It's tiring.  It's a different kind of hope.

So, I can't help but think about where I stand.  Living with chronic illness can be such a lonely place.  What's worse than being lonely is being surrounded by people who remain at an arm's length away emotionally.  They will never know what it feels like to stand where I stand.  To watch my kids go through the things they do.  They will never know what it feels like to hear your doctor say that this is just how the disease progresses.

 I will never know what it feels like to stand where my kids stand.  Somehow, this is where it all breaks down.  Communication falls apart because you reach a place where there are no words to describe the myriad of feelings coming at you.  Emotions that should happen one at a time, come all at once.  When that happens...it becomes a case of emotional triage. It's going to take time to fix the mess I find myself in.  No one really understands where I stand.

So much has happened in seven days.  I have stood in a lot of different places.  Hard places, Sad places.  Joyful places.  Humble places.  Grateful places.  I'm not standing in the same world I stood in 2 years ago, 5 years ago, 30 years ago!  Where I stand is different.


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