This is week 8.

If you've been following the medical drama, you will know that this is the week that our clinical testing should be back, if it isn't already.

I thought I would be chomping at the bit to get to Seattle and hear the word, the final word but it's not really happening the way I envisioned it.

The whole process has left me completely worn out and more frustrated than anything.  So many things are not right and it just makes me cranky.

I called to Seattle to see about getting appointments scheduled, keeping in mind the last conversation I had with them at Christmas.  They said they had a team of doctors that would meet with us and provide us with counseling.  Well, it doesn't seem like that is the case.  She made it sound like we would just be meeting with one doctor for a total of one hour.  That is completely different than the picture that was painted 6 months ago.

So, I'm in a quandary.  I just don't have it in me to drive to the other side of the country for one hour of information and 4-5 days of missed work.  I asked if we could skype or talk over the phone but that was a big NO.

I'm starting to feel cranky, ornery and a bit numb, except when anxiety attacks at the least appropriate moment.

I am probably selfish to think that I just won't go.  Eventually, they will wonder where we are and maybe then, a phone call will be acceptable.

It's hard to sort out all the feelings.  Maybe the real reason is that I'm just not ready to embark on this journey.  It makes me angry that I end up with nothing but bad news.  They get a raise, a write up in medical journals, all sorts of recognition and I get more bad news, more debt, and I guess I feel like they aren't taking this as serious as I am.   Their attitude towards me is sloppy and careless and I am hurt.

So, I think I may just put some time between me and the results.

It's never easy though... because you can be sure, I will be torn apart knowing the details of our future is sitting indifferently on someone's desk; another item to be checked off from their list of things to do.

Not only is there physical rigmarole but mental as well.  I'll have plenty to sort out this week.

On a better note...I had to take Shelbie to the Emergency Room today/tonight and I was back to my helpful, happy self...well, as happy as one can be watching your kid in continuous pain.  It was nothing like my little melt down last month when I lost my mother of the year award!  So, at least I was able to redeem myself.  Tonight, she is finally resting well.



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