Every Life...


I like this thought and need to remember that every life has good things and bad things, even my life.

You know what?  There have been a lot of good things, all mixed up in the rotten things.

For starters...I have the best kids.  Kids that are quick to accept an apology and who might be the only ones who understand the mood swings of this road we are on.

I have a missionary.  I have a missionary who thinks he is in Heaven.  A missionary who worries about his mission being over too soon...that's how much he loves it.

I have work to do that is challenging and fills up the time and pays the bills.

Despite the daily health challenges and moments that pass when the kids are super miserable, they pass.  The bad moments pass and everyone bounces back and for the most part...considering their situation, they are doing pretty good.

We have each other.  It's true what they say, the family that struggles together, stays together...oh wait, I'm not sure if anyone really said that but we stick together through the thick of it.  We always have and we always will.

The Big Pile of Bad...

We are 4 weeks into waiting for the genetic tests to be done.  They can take anywhere from 6-8 weeks so, maybe we are half way through this waiting game.  It has been rotten, truly a big pile of bad stuff.  You know why?

Because...I know what the kids have.  I'm not suppose to know but accidents happen.  Not only have I been wrapped up in the chaos of that and dealing with the fallout but I have been sworn to secrecy that I can not tell anyone what it is.  Not until we are sitting in the doctor's office in Seattle where we will get the official word.

Do you know what it feels like to live with the most horrible news of your life and not be able to tell a soul?  Do you know what it feels like to have this knowledge and not a doctor on earth will speak to you about it yet, let you process it with them?  Do you know what it feels like to read the letters from your missionary with this new knowledge underscoring everything he says...reading between the lines...worrying...wondering?  Do you know that you look at your kids differently when you know something like this? Do you know that it is the loneliest place to be?

Do you know that still...there is a part of me stuck in denial.  Waffling back and forth that it can't be.  What if it isn't?  What if they thought they were right but they really weren't?  What if the clinical lab doesn't get the same result as the research lab?  So many questions and that has me tied up in knots...

A short fuse...
Sleepless nights...
More anxiety than I have ever experienced
Sad days...long days...

But remember...there is still a big pile of good things. Good things that are still good and I hold on to them.  And even though I have been less than a gracious host to my trials since about December, I am trying.  I am trying every day to be better and to be happy.  Not everyday works out so well but that's how it is.  My life.
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