Humbled
This has been an interesting week full of drama and service and lots of work! I wasn't sure I would make it through with my head above the water but I did.
It's no secret that things have been really hard around here.
I have often thought, and even said, that I think life is harder since Spencer left. I have to search longer and deeper for the blessings that everyone talks about, who has a son or daughter out on a mission. Then I thought, maybe the blessings are in seeing my son grow so much in the gospel and discover what true happiness is. That has been a tremendous blessing. The blessings are there and plentiful...just different from what I was expecting. And, the fact that Satan can't seem to leave us alone for one single minute, testifies to me that maybe we are on the right track.
This week, I got a beautiful letter from Spencer. His letters are so tender and so full of gratitude for being raised in a good family that just did our best. We are far from perfect and have had our fair share of screw ups but at the end of the day, we could say we did our best. He has never taken a single thing in life for granted. He knows that being able to leave on a mission was a tender mercy. He knows and recognizes in his letters to me that he is not going to waste one precious minute of his life and this mission.
I hardly feel worthy of the kind things he says to me about being his mom. He says things like, "I am in a lot of debt to you and the Lord. My trials weren't really trials with a mother like you to help me." or " You are my hero. You have been a great example of everything; morals, goals, actions, integrity, love for God, faith. Your actions speak louder than words and I can hear your actions from here!"
It's hard to hear him say these beautiful words because if he only knew how hard it's been for me to just get up every day the past few months. If he only knew how much I have struggled with the adversary, he might not be so proud of me.
Today in church, a friend talked about how they have been stuck at a crossroads for a few years but recently were given some opportunities and blessings that allowed them to move on. She said from the other side, she can say she is grateful for the struggle at the crossroads. I get that. Things always look better when they are seen from the distance of the rear view mirror.
I realized that I need to be grateful for the struggle while I'm still stuck at the crossroads, or even mired in the soggy ditchbank! I use to be able to do this much easier than I have been lately. We use to spend our struggling time in play and laughter but lately, that just hasn't been a priority. Play and laughter have taken a back seat to just trying to make a living.
I feel like I have let so many people down lately including my family, my friends and even strangers. I had a great friend drop by Thursday night with my favorite Lindor Truffles! She just said she was thinking of me and wanted to bring me a treat. She went on to say how she talked to her Junior High Class about our family and how we exemplify perseverance. I was humbled again. I think I have exemplified something more along the lines of whining and complaining!
I have had moms from my SDS family private message me, telling me they appreciate our example of cheerfulness and faith in God when things are rough and wish they could be more like me!
Again...I am humbled. I know I need to do better. I am trying to get back to my strong self that handled trials with the greatest of ease...not really, but a whole lot better than I have since Christmas!
I don't want to be happy when I am finally viewing things at a safe distance from them in my rear view mirror. I want to find that happiness and joy now. We are getting there. Every day is a chance to try again. This week, despite saying goodbye to my friend who passed away and some other hard things...it was a good week. I am already feeling stronger and ready to get back in the ring.
It's no secret that things have been really hard around here.
I have often thought, and even said, that I think life is harder since Spencer left. I have to search longer and deeper for the blessings that everyone talks about, who has a son or daughter out on a mission. Then I thought, maybe the blessings are in seeing my son grow so much in the gospel and discover what true happiness is. That has been a tremendous blessing. The blessings are there and plentiful...just different from what I was expecting. And, the fact that Satan can't seem to leave us alone for one single minute, testifies to me that maybe we are on the right track.
This week, I got a beautiful letter from Spencer. His letters are so tender and so full of gratitude for being raised in a good family that just did our best. We are far from perfect and have had our fair share of screw ups but at the end of the day, we could say we did our best. He has never taken a single thing in life for granted. He knows that being able to leave on a mission was a tender mercy. He knows and recognizes in his letters to me that he is not going to waste one precious minute of his life and this mission.
I hardly feel worthy of the kind things he says to me about being his mom. He says things like, "I am in a lot of debt to you and the Lord. My trials weren't really trials with a mother like you to help me." or " You are my hero. You have been a great example of everything; morals, goals, actions, integrity, love for God, faith. Your actions speak louder than words and I can hear your actions from here!"
It's hard to hear him say these beautiful words because if he only knew how hard it's been for me to just get up every day the past few months. If he only knew how much I have struggled with the adversary, he might not be so proud of me.
Today in church, a friend talked about how they have been stuck at a crossroads for a few years but recently were given some opportunities and blessings that allowed them to move on. She said from the other side, she can say she is grateful for the struggle at the crossroads. I get that. Things always look better when they are seen from the distance of the rear view mirror.
I realized that I need to be grateful for the struggle while I'm still stuck at the crossroads, or even mired in the soggy ditchbank! I use to be able to do this much easier than I have been lately. We use to spend our struggling time in play and laughter but lately, that just hasn't been a priority. Play and laughter have taken a back seat to just trying to make a living.
I feel like I have let so many people down lately including my family, my friends and even strangers. I had a great friend drop by Thursday night with my favorite Lindor Truffles! She just said she was thinking of me and wanted to bring me a treat. She went on to say how she talked to her Junior High Class about our family and how we exemplify perseverance. I was humbled again. I think I have exemplified something more along the lines of whining and complaining!
I have had moms from my SDS family private message me, telling me they appreciate our example of cheerfulness and faith in God when things are rough and wish they could be more like me!
Again...I am humbled. I know I need to do better. I am trying to get back to my strong self that handled trials with the greatest of ease...not really, but a whole lot better than I have since Christmas!
I don't want to be happy when I am finally viewing things at a safe distance from them in my rear view mirror. I want to find that happiness and joy now. We are getting there. Every day is a chance to try again. This week, despite saying goodbye to my friend who passed away and some other hard things...it was a good week. I am already feeling stronger and ready to get back in the ring.
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