Fitting us for Heaven

Man.  November was not fun!  Even the last day of November...not fun!

Exasperating.  Discouraging.  Frustrating.  Exhausting...just a few words that come to my mind.

Here are some more.

Isolating.  Lonely.  Sad.  Doing it all...(okay, more than one word but BIG nevertheless)

But...today, after Sam lost his vision for the morning, broke out in hives in the afternoon, sprained his ankle badly, Shelbie's dislocated hip and frozen knee...again... and just before my 10th nervous breakdown for the day...I realized that maybe this is just God's way of 'fitting us for Heaven.'  I sure hope that at some point, there is a reason for all these rhymes.  I hate rhymes, I hate riddles. I hate doing anything in vain.

Yesterday, we got the house decorated for Christmas, well, the front room anyways.  My house isn't big enough to put decorations anywhere else.  When it was all done, the house was still, the sun had set and the twinkle lights turned our little room into a Holy, Reverent place.  We sat there, quiet and for the first time in a long time...I felt my shoulders drop and I sunk into the cushions of the sofa and life felt like a good fit, snug. There was that elusive feeling of peace I have spent so much time chasing but never quite able to capture.

I wish I could hold on to these fleeting moments of quiet. Contentment.

It's so much work to stay in that fragile place.  It's so easy to let the world barge in and distract us.  One little thing, small, inconsequential really but still, One. More. Thing... and all hope and hard work spills out, all over and I want more than anything to at least splash a little of what's left on my face but it's gone, evaporated into the dry air of chaos again.  I start over.

There's a line from the Hunger Games that says, "Hope. It is the only thing stronger than fear."

So, heading into December I am letting hope try to get some footing in my life.  Trying to believe and hope that all the problems are just fitting us for Heaven. That this is exactly where WE are suppose to be, even though everyone around me seems to be strolling down easy street.  I can't wonder why though, it gets me nowhere.  We are here and as along as we can steal little glimpses of goodness, then I guess that's okay for now.

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