The Sum of all Grace
I saw these words on an album by Mindy Gledhill, The Sum Of All Grace and since seeing them, I haven't been able to get them out of my mind, especially when things in my life seem less than desirable.
There are days when I just have to shake my head. Days when I am so fed up I can't stand to even think of living one more day in this mess. Days when any drop of joy I try to feel is overshadowed by so much anger; anger and resentment that I have do everything by myself; not just the daily mishaps like broken toilets, clogged kitchen sinks, a garage full of stuff that needs to get to the dump but the emotional things as well like never having anyone to just talk to. No one to hear what I am thinking or feeling. Those things just rattle around in my head. We are so removed from anything resembling a 'normal' life, we really aren't sure where we belong. There days when I see no redeeming qualities in myself and I pretty much don't see any in anyone around me either. There are days when I am unloving and unlovable and sometimes, I don't really care.
Thankfully for me, I have a Heavenly Father who does love me even when I am not lovable and when I feel like I have nothing left in me to help anyone else, my kids or even myself. It is His grace, his undeserving favor with me that keeps me going. His love and patience with me softens the harsh shadows of the long, hard days.
It isn't easy to add up His grace. It's much easier to see all the unfairness, the people around me with loving husbands, healthy kids, lots of friends, one solid paying job...or even just one trial instead of 50. There are days when that is all I see but then, I remember how blessed I am and when I see The Sum of His Grace, it's huge! I have to do better at recognizing these blessings.
I have three beautiful kids who are striving to do the best they can. I have been able to enjoy them longer than I thought I would. My trials have blessed me with a better understanding of God and life and depth of love that could not have been gained in any other way. Some of my biggest fears in life have become my greatest triumphs. There have been countless blessing, innumerable visits from Angels. Plans that have worked out perfectly when there was no possible way they could have. Check books that balance with just five cents to spare, preparations for trials to come. This last one is a big one. I have never had to go through a trial that God didn't first spend time preparing me for. That is Grace, in and of itself.
There are days I wish things could be different, especially for the kids. I will continue to wish that someday my bank balance will look as high as the credit card balance, that we will stumble upon sunny days more than the rainy ones but if that never happens, I will continue to count on the Sum of All Grace.
There are days when I just have to shake my head. Days when I am so fed up I can't stand to even think of living one more day in this mess. Days when any drop of joy I try to feel is overshadowed by so much anger; anger and resentment that I have do everything by myself; not just the daily mishaps like broken toilets, clogged kitchen sinks, a garage full of stuff that needs to get to the dump but the emotional things as well like never having anyone to just talk to. No one to hear what I am thinking or feeling. Those things just rattle around in my head. We are so removed from anything resembling a 'normal' life, we really aren't sure where we belong. There days when I see no redeeming qualities in myself and I pretty much don't see any in anyone around me either. There are days when I am unloving and unlovable and sometimes, I don't really care.
Thankfully for me, I have a Heavenly Father who does love me even when I am not lovable and when I feel like I have nothing left in me to help anyone else, my kids or even myself. It is His grace, his undeserving favor with me that keeps me going. His love and patience with me softens the harsh shadows of the long, hard days.
It isn't easy to add up His grace. It's much easier to see all the unfairness, the people around me with loving husbands, healthy kids, lots of friends, one solid paying job...or even just one trial instead of 50. There are days when that is all I see but then, I remember how blessed I am and when I see The Sum of His Grace, it's huge! I have to do better at recognizing these blessings.
I have three beautiful kids who are striving to do the best they can. I have been able to enjoy them longer than I thought I would. My trials have blessed me with a better understanding of God and life and depth of love that could not have been gained in any other way. Some of my biggest fears in life have become my greatest triumphs. There have been countless blessing, innumerable visits from Angels. Plans that have worked out perfectly when there was no possible way they could have. Check books that balance with just five cents to spare, preparations for trials to come. This last one is a big one. I have never had to go through a trial that God didn't first spend time preparing me for. That is Grace, in and of itself.
There are days I wish things could be different, especially for the kids. I will continue to wish that someday my bank balance will look as high as the credit card balance, that we will stumble upon sunny days more than the rainy ones but if that never happens, I will continue to count on the Sum of All Grace.
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