Dull Moments

Yesterday, I covered just over 300 miles, over 4 different cities, in work related trips.  I bounced from one meeting to the next.  It took some effort to make sure each meeting ended at a precise time so I could cover the extended miles to the next, without being late.

Driving, though exhausting to me, is one of those dull moments.  The moments I crave when I can just sit and not have a computer or a phone on my lap or in my hand.  I don't have to talk to anyone, pretending to be in a better place than I am. Yesterday, I listened to my favorite Pandora Station, Tragedy Radio and smiled when The Hustle came on and remembered watching my sisters practice The Hustle for the next big Saturday Night dance.  

Mostly, though, the Bee Gees were just white noise as I thought a lot about grief and empathy.  Two things I am continually trying to master in my life.  Empathy has been a hard one so has sympathy too I guess.  Sometimes, I am just too busy to do the mental work that these two virtues require.

The fact that Shelbie can't drive has been a learning experience.  I knew when we started this journey 4 weeks ago or so, that I didn't want her to feel like a burden.  If I were in the position of  not being able to drive, the last thing I would want is to ask or beg for a ride somewhere so I tried so hard to always be available, but not only available; willing.  I've basically screwed that up a couple of times this week.   I was short on patience, when at 10pm, she needed a ride clear out on the other side of town, to drop off a baby gift to a mutual friend.  That lead to me stomping out of the house, whining about how exhausted I was and swearing to her she better not stay and visit.    The thing is, the girl we were visiting is my friend too!  We got there and we did visit for over an hour but I realized, it was the best hour of the day.  Then I felt horrible for acting the way I did.

She has had a battle with her dad and facing the loss of some friends this week- the ongoing misunderstandings that hurt deeply.   After a night of hours of crying over the situation, she wanted to go to McDonalds; she hadn't eaten all day.  It was almost midnight.  I had wanted to go to bed early because of having to start my work day at 5:30 am.  She called Sam and he came right over to drive her to McDonalds.  Not only did he rush to be with her, he brought her a rose and a bath bomb because he knew she had been struggling all week.  Then I was crying!  I went to bed and they went for a very late dinner.  

I learned a lot this week from my own mistakes but from the love my kids show to each other.  My boys are so loving to their sister.  They remind me that I need to be better.   Nothing is more important than the moments spent together, in understanding of one another, cheering each other on in total acceptance.  Its something I am working on being better at.