I'd like to tell you
that things will
get better tomorrow
But...I've been through
so many tomorrows
and nothing has changed.
I read this poem many, many months ago and tonight, seemed like a good night to share it.
I keep telling myself tomorrow will be better.
I keep telling myself that there is going to be an end very soon to all this chaos we have been dealing with; that resolve is just around the next corner and like the summer afternoons spent with my grandpa walking to the corner store for a penny candy treat, I can see it. I can see the next corner and I am sprinting towards it, wanting so desperately to turn it so that I can run right into the face of 'normal'. Oh how wonderful that word rolls off my tongue...to be normal. What is that like? To live each day without the lonely looming thoughts that loop subliminally through your head. Still, I walk through my day, watching people pass by, rushing to strike another thing from the 'To Do' list or have money to spend on whatever, like they have no cares and I wonder how they do that! I suppose to them, I'm doing the same thing but I'm not, just pretending I'm not totally lost in my own head and worries.
I was struck with the fact that maybe, there is no corner to turn. I keep approaching my life from an arm's length away, wishing away the moments when I can feel something different. Each thing that happens to me feels like a project of sorts, something I really don't want to do but I'll do it because at best it will only last an hour or so and then it will be done and I can do something more exciting, something I'm passionate about...if I had a passion that is.
What if this is not just some random projects that come and go with a definite beginning and a flimsy ribbon ending we come rushing upon?
What if this is what it is...This is it?
My life...not an event I paid to watch but have been thrown in to live? One moment, one trial, melding into the next to create this rich life and abundance of feelings that ebb and then rush into our hearts, even overwhelming the most sinewy muscle that is meant to stretch and beat to the rhythm of life?
I've been better this week at embracing what is rather than wishfully thinking it away. I have been better at being engaged in the process mentally and spiritually. I try to see the purpose in the suffering, the sadness but more importantly, I am trying to see how God is leading us along this greater path of goodness.
Friday, came another new health development for the kids and perhaps myself. One that could have a significant impact on our lives again! One that reminded me that this adventure is far from over and maybe instead of treating this like it's my life and that's all there is to report for now...I need to consider that it is not the only thing my life is made up of. It's just part of it, a big part and a sad part but not the only part. I have been reminded that things are not going to settle down tomorrow, or after the heart surgery, or when someone's white count inches ever so closer into the normal range or even some distant date on the calendar when I think we are done with doctors.
Things may never settle down, this may just be it, so, it's time to jump into my life. Live my story and claim it as my own with all its nonsense, chaos, imperfection and joy.
Tomorrow will come, and then another tomorrow right after that and odds are, I'll still be here feeling a myriad of emotion and life for us, will never be dull or uneventful. That's one tomorrow, I can count on.