Today Sucks!

Today is not my favorite day of all time!  It just sucks!  I don't have any particular reason for it to suck, it just does.

I hate how my mind ricochets between just fine to...holy cow, I'm a mess.

It's already been a rough morning.  Lots of endless tears and now I have an unbelievable headache.

 The more I learn about Pulmonary AVM's the more terrified I get and the more I can't believe a doctor hasn't addressed the future with me, really explained what this means.  I am convinced that when it's all said and done, Shelbie has it too.  I hope I'm wrong.  Maybe in the next few posts, I will have the strength to actually explain what is happening to Sam's lungs.

Shelbie is still not feeling well.  She has all the signs of a major infection except a fever.  She has chills, body aches, then super hot but no fever. Swollen glands, sore throat... She is having a pretty hard time breathing too.  I almost want to get her on the nebulizer but I don't have any medication for that and so help me, I will die if I have to walk into our clinic one more time.  They are starting to think I am making up stuff just to be there!  I am so embarrassed!  I don't really know how to deal with that.

There are so many things I wasn't expecting to deal with.  So many feelings I am shocked to be having.  So many other dynamics I didn't even know existed.  So many new experiences and I'm getting lost in them all, conflicted.

Today, along with all the other worries that slammed into me after a weekend of doing so great...comes the worry of my parents.  My dad was diagnosed on Friday with an aggressive form of cancer.  It's been really hard to hear that. I just always thought my parents would be healthy and be my parents.   It's been really hard to process the fact that they are going to have some really hard challenges coming up.

The kids and I are going to be with my parents for his surgery, my mom needs lots of support.  Hopefully, we can get all the remainder of our testing done and out of the way. is interesting.  Today sucks but tomorrow will be least I hope I will be back on track to help Shelbie through some difficult testing tomorrow.  



  1. Kathy, so sorry to hear about your dad. I lost my mom last August, after years of watching her suffer with medical problems. We are so lucky at times like this that we have the gospel and we know about the plan of happiness. Losing a parent, or anyone close to you, really puts things into perspective. I am so thankful to know that families are forever. I have often wondered throughout my life, why some people don't seem to have any trials while others have one trial after another. It seems so unfair. But I have noticed that those who seem to have suffered the most (my mom, Joseph Smith, many prophets of old and new, Alisa Linton, you, your children) are some of the strongest, most faithful people I know. Thank you for being a wonderful example to me and so many.


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