It's to be expected

I can't even describe how strange life has been over the past, I don't know how many weeks...it feels like it's been months actually since I felt normal.  Tired doesn't even come close to describing how I feel, nor does exhausted.  It's something far heavier than that.  It feels like I just keep tripping through each day, hoping at some point, I either fall so hard it is physically impossible to stand up or I actually get a break sometime sooner than later. 

Somehow, some way, I just keep on moving.  I look around and see perfect people, their perfect life, their perfect happy, healthy family and even that makes me tired and it zaps me even more.  The kids are struggling more and more everyday and I am not making a very good shock absorber.  We are all so tired.  More than once this week, one of the kids has asked when we will just be able to have one week when nothing breaks down, no one is sick, we don't have money problems and we could actually do something fun and restful and pretend we have a life like the people around us who are off having fun for the summer.  Who knows.

I started physical therapy this week.  I really need to find some relief for all this pain I am constantly in.  Never before have I felt crippled until the last couple of months.  If I sit for more than 10 min, I can hardly get moving again and walk like a gimp til the blood gets flowin again.  If there is air conditioning going then my limit drops to about 5 min.  The PT guy thinks that strengthening my core muscles will help with the pain, I hope he's right!  I will need to start wearing a brace when doing things that irritate my back and cause pain like housecleaning and sitting for long periods of time.  I think I will pretty much be able to hide the brace so I won't draw attention to my lameness.  Basically, he said his goal is to help get the pain under control but there is nothing he can do to reverse the damage or even prevent more damage.  It's just an unfortunate thing.  I'll say.  The best part of PT three times a week is the 20 min. massage he gives me...ahhh.

I have been totally slacking on getting the kids bone marrow biopsies scheduled.  Even our doctor in Seattle is calling, wondering why I am dragging my feet on this.  I just don't think I can handle anymore bad news which makes no sense at all.  Not doing the test isn't going to stop bad things from happening.  My goal is to get this done by the week of the 17th.  Shelbie will probably have her next infusion right around then and that might work out well since she will be so sore after the procedure, she will just want to sleep anyways. The good thing is, we won't have to travel but a couple of blocks.

I do want to clarify, there are still good things happening in our lives and I can't deny that we are blessed in many ways.  Despite the difficult moments here and there, we have super happy moments too.  At the end of the day, nothing beats the feeling of being together and having each other to rely on.  I have come to the conclusion that tough times like this are to be expected and I know it won't last forever.  More on that another time.


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