Facts of Life

The past year has been one of the hardest I would say as far as the ups and downs.  It hasn't been just one thing that has made it hard but the combination of lots of things.  There have seriously been moments when I literally felt crazy and the term 'nervous breakdown' felt really close to home.  I not one to stay down or depressed for too long but admittedly, it's been harder to pick myself up this year.  I must be getting old.  I blame getting old on everything.

This past week I have mostly been trying not to care.  To trick myself into just not giving a hoot anymore about anything and just let life steamroll over me.  That was working pretty good, or so I told myself.  I have tried every other method to dig out of this funk but nothing else was helping.   I heard something that changed my mind.  It was a portion of a talk by Jeffery Holland he gave to some missionaries in the MTC.  Here is what I read:

"He then went on to explain why missions and life have to be hard. He explained about the purpose of trials more clearly than I’ve ever heard it explained before. He said that missions and life were never meant to be easy. It has to be hard because salvation is not a cheap experience.

 He said if we are going to be His disciples, we have to have something to show for it. We have to have evidence of our devotion to Him. We have to have evidence that we desire to be like Him.

 He explained that Christ chose to retain the wounds in his hands, feet and side so that they could be the symbols of his messianic mission. Everything else about Him is perfect. His wounds are evidence that there is sacrifice involved in serving the Lord. They are there to remind us that it takes suffering, heartache, anguish and pain to become like Him. There is no other way. Throughout our lives, we have to have times where we cry in our own personal Garden of Gethsemane. We have to have times in our life where we take a step or two to Calvary.

 Elder Holland continued by very emotionally saying, "if you are going to be his disciple, how dare you ask, how dare you not go even close to a fraction of the cup He drank. How dare you ask to never go close to the tears He shed and the pain He felt. There is suffering for the saints."

 I guess all the tears are not wasted.  I love that he said, "it takes suffering, heartache, anguish and pain to become like Him.  That's exciting!! I guess we are right on track!  Who knew?  I have felt all of those things daily, multiple times a day and here I thought I was weak and depressed but no, it's part of the battle!   I have to stop fighting against the current of trials.  I have to get back to accepting them for what they are.  They are more than a heartache, more than a pain in the neck, my life is depending on getting through these events and setbacks with more grace than I have been mustering this year.  I now understand that the struggle is not something to feel guilty about but it is part of the process. 

It's strange to me how just a shift in thinking can make such a difference; (a little sleep and pain relief helps too cause this arthritis is killing me!)  Not only did I read this passage but I have heard the exact same excerpt on the radio twice this week.  It was obviously something I needed to hear and I am glad for the course correction. 

So, does it take away the worry, the anxiety, the fear, the anger, the resentment all the other hard and ugly feelings?  Not really.  It has softened my heart a little bit and given me a new sense of energy to get through the next few weeks.   With the help of this and a few very distant friends I have never met before but along the cyber highway of chronic illness,  I feel ready for the bone marrow biopsies and ready for whatever news they hold for us. Even after we get through the actual procedure, it will be days and days of waiting impatiently patiently for the results. Here's to enjoying the ups and downs.  I really hope I can hold on to the resolve I have felt today.