Would you rather...

A.  Go for a root canal
B.  Have bamboo placed under your fingernails
C.  Endure an hour of Chinese water torture
D.  Sit at the hospital for 12 hours while you watch your daughter endure the horrible side effects of
       Plasma transfusion
E.   The first three- A,B &C

The correct answer is 'E'.  Enduring the top three feels much more do-able than 'D' but that's what's on the docket for tomorrow...or today...depending when you are reading this.

I don't know if I'm just tired or what the deal is but I would do anything to not have to go through this.  It sounds awfully selfish since I'm not even the one having to be put through the wringer for 12 hours or so.  I'm just the mom...the mom who is tired of 19 years of watching her kids go through hard things without an end in sight. 

Each hospital visit, each doctor's appointment adds more and more dread to my day.  It's a rut I am not happy being stuck in.  It's a sad feeling.

Growing up, who doesn't dream of being a mom?  I remember a song I use to sing this totally cheesy song...

When I grow up, I want to be a mother,
And have a family, one little, two little, three little babies of my own
Of all the jobs, for me I'll choose no other! I'll have a family
Four little, five little, six little babies in my home."

"And I will love them all day long, and give them cookies and milk and yellow balloons. And cuddle them when things go wrong, and read them stories and sing them special tunes...

Sweet isn't it?  Maybe too sweet but still, part of that fairy tale included dress ups and dance class, violin lessons, piano lessons and cheerleading.  T-ball, soccer and boy scouts.  Sugar and spice and all things nice, snips and snails and puppy dog tails.  I'm pretty sure my vision of motherhood never included bone marrow failure, blood transfusions, chemo therapy or a failing pancreas.  Mitochondrial defects, shortened telomeres or immune deficiency.  I don't recall signing up for sleepless nights and long days at the hospital or late night emergency runs.

Well, such is life.  I am trying to love the life I have and for the most part, I do.  We are really blessed but I have this really bad habit of being human.  Yup, being human comes with challenges like fear, worry, depression...the list goes on and there goes my love for life sometimes.  I am sort of stuck in one of those times...


  1. I am so sorry. It really does suck! I will be thinking of you guys today.

  2. I wish I could take your place for a day or two but I don't think a substitute mom is what your kids would want. <<>>


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