My Holland

A little while ago, I posted one of my favorite stories called, Welcome To Holland.  If you missed it, go here to read it.  I think about 'Holland' nearly every day.   Yesterday as I waited in the car pool lane, I thought about all the things I actually like about My Holland. I'll admit, at first it was really hard to think about what I like about all this, in fact even the word like used in reference to our life with Shwachmans and all the other problems seems to be an oxymoron.

I dug around in my distant thoughts and came up with a short list of things I like about Holland.

• I really like that since I lost my job, I have been able to be home with my kids again and take care of them and nurture them like I was meant to do.  I can't do it all, I don't want to do it all, I just want to be a mom.
• My vocabulary has grown.  I no longer stutter when I say Immune Thrombocytopenia Purpura and I can spell it too!
• I have become freakishly interested in the status of my kids' poop and other gruesome and disgusting bodily functions and can carry on an intriguing conversation without feeling one twinge of disgust or embarrassment!...I have to so I can gauge how their pancreas' and other such things are fairing.
• I have discovered a whole new group of friends; famous and world renowned!  They are in the big league when it comes to doctors yet they aren't too big to take my calls, answer my questions and tell me that everything is going to be okay.
• I have learned that courage is not just a feeling.  It's an act.  It's showing up for life when life is having a showdown with you.  It's being fearless as you sit in the infusion room and receive chemo with a bunch of other fearless, courageous people.
• I have seen smiles and heard laughter when there was absolutely no good reason to do so. 
• I have learned that I can't live without prayer and faith.
• I have learned that when I feel all alone and no one seems to care or understand, I can stand alone because I have my Savior.
• I have learned that when people say they want to be my friend and support me through this, they don't really mean it but it's a nice thought.  Our reality is alot for people to handle and I'm learning that that's okay.
• I have learned that when people say they want to be my friend and support me through this, they really DO mean it and it feels really nice.  It doesn't happen often but when it does, it feels like a warm blanket.  We need to be more warm blankets for people.
• My capacity to love has grown more than I could ever imagine.
• I have learned that my thoughts are always more frightening than reality or maybe it's that I am stronger in reality than I feel in my thoughts.
• I have learned that I may not deal with every hardship with grace, dignity and faith, but I have the tools and know how to get back to that place of hope.
• I have learned that I am not like everyone else.  My thoughts seem to run deeper.  The little things I see people taking for granted are huge and monumental to me. The huge and monumental things to other people are merely molehills to me like ACT scores, GPA's and University Scholarships.  Learning at school is important but many more important lessons are learned in living life.
• I have learned that I am never done learning.  I will forever be mastering new things.  The challenges and trials I had yesterday will pale in comparison to what I will be faced with tomorrow.  That thought is both exciting and daunting.
• I have learned that my life is richer because I have been blessed with so many trials.
• There is no doubt that God saved his very best spirits to send me...Shelbie, Spencer and Sam!

Finally, here in Holland, miracles happen every single day!  Not a day goes by that I don't see the holy hands of God in my little, crazy life.