Sometimes, the questions are hard
Well, the elephant didn't stay in the middle of the room for long. At about 1 in the morning, it decided to have a seat on my bed. I don't know if you've ever experienced an elephant sitting on your bed but it doesn't promote that quiet, sleepy feeling you long to have when the sky is dark and the crickets are keeping time outside your window.
Yes, I was awakened by my sweet Shelbie last night. She is not the elephant but she brought with her the elephant. The sobbing, the shaking, "I can't sleep mom. I need a sleeping pill."
She is so worried about the bone marrow biopsy results and the virus that is running rampant in her body.
It use to be, when they were little, the questions were so easy or at least of little consequence to the deep matters of life; Why is the sky blue, Why does rain drop, Where do babies come from, Are we there yet?
Now, thanks to a host of defective genes, the questions are a lot harder and my answers are even more lame than trying to explain to a 3 year old where babies come from; that's the easy question to answer now. Why don't I ever get a break? Why do I have to be sick so much? Why don't other people have a hard life like us? Why is everything a struggle? When will I be able to live without looking over my shoulder to see trouble chasing me? Where is God, I can't find him in all this? It's just not fair.
As hard as it was to hear those questions, to see her hurting so much, it was better to talk it out than pretend everything is rosy. I didn't have answers for most of her questions but I do know that God is not far, He never is. He may not always be where we think he should be but he is close by working on His plan for us. I tried to help her recognize all the things He has done for her this past month and she began to see more clearly that He is blessing her, teaching her and helping her become the kind of young woman He needs her to be and that process is going to hurt and it's going to be uncomfortable sometimes but in the end, it will be worth it.
I don't know if she has the beginnings of leukemia. I like to think everything is going to be okay and if it's not, that will be okay too. Every trial we have prepares us for the next so in that process, we are never given anything that we haven't be given the tools to manage.
She calmed down after awhile. I offered to wake up Sam so we could have a PayDay marathon, watch old movies from the 90's all night and eat popcorn and drink Pepsi just to keep her mind in a different sphere than the dying one. She decided that maybe she should try to sleep but we made a plan to stay extra busy today and this weekend so she has no time to worry. That's going to be hard too but it's the only way to get through crappy stuff like this.
Yes, I was awakened by my sweet Shelbie last night. She is not the elephant but she brought with her the elephant. The sobbing, the shaking, "I can't sleep mom. I need a sleeping pill."
She is so worried about the bone marrow biopsy results and the virus that is running rampant in her body.
It use to be, when they were little, the questions were so easy or at least of little consequence to the deep matters of life; Why is the sky blue, Why does rain drop, Where do babies come from, Are we there yet?
Now, thanks to a host of defective genes, the questions are a lot harder and my answers are even more lame than trying to explain to a 3 year old where babies come from; that's the easy question to answer now. Why don't I ever get a break? Why do I have to be sick so much? Why don't other people have a hard life like us? Why is everything a struggle? When will I be able to live without looking over my shoulder to see trouble chasing me? Where is God, I can't find him in all this? It's just not fair.
As hard as it was to hear those questions, to see her hurting so much, it was better to talk it out than pretend everything is rosy. I didn't have answers for most of her questions but I do know that God is not far, He never is. He may not always be where we think he should be but he is close by working on His plan for us. I tried to help her recognize all the things He has done for her this past month and she began to see more clearly that He is blessing her, teaching her and helping her become the kind of young woman He needs her to be and that process is going to hurt and it's going to be uncomfortable sometimes but in the end, it will be worth it.
I don't know if she has the beginnings of leukemia. I like to think everything is going to be okay and if it's not, that will be okay too. Every trial we have prepares us for the next so in that process, we are never given anything that we haven't be given the tools to manage.
She calmed down after awhile. I offered to wake up Sam so we could have a PayDay marathon, watch old movies from the 90's all night and eat popcorn and drink Pepsi just to keep her mind in a different sphere than the dying one. She decided that maybe she should try to sleep but we made a plan to stay extra busy today and this weekend so she has no time to worry. That's going to be hard too but it's the only way to get through crappy stuff like this.
I'm sure praying for you guys that it's NOT leukemia. I hope you can hear some news soon so you have some peace of mind. I'm glad you guys could talk about it though. That has to be better than just pretending it's not there!
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