I Hate This Blog

I'm going to be honest here.

I hate this blog. 

Every night, around the time I typically sit down to write, I feel nothing but dread.  Well, that's not true.  I feel dread and horror and frustration and anger and anxiety...and some other irritating feelings.  I want nothing more than to have something great to write about!  I would love to write a post that says...

Guess what, I got a full time job with amazing benefits and it's not cleaning up after people who can do nothing but complain!

Guess what, my insurance company loves us so much, they dropped our premium by $300!

Guess what, someone found a cure and my kids can now resume their normally scheduled life that was intended for them! 

I wanted this blog to be something good to read.  Something inspiring.  Something interesting.  Something that instilled the power to become in someone else.  Not something dramatic, depressing and boring but that is what I am afraid it is.  I don't want to write anymore.  I don't want to keep this going. 

I have been thinking about what to do, non stop, and trying to find clarity and purpose in it. 

I think this has become a sad and vulnerable place to be.  I've always had it all together or at least managed to appear like I had it all together but I don't, not anymore.   We are going through something hard and the hard times don't appear to be ending in the near future.  Things are becoming so hard, there is no way out and not just for me, but for my kids. 

I feel so stuck and so helpless.  Believe it or not, these feelings are foreign to me.  I have had moments when I felt stuck but they were fleeting, not lasting and so suffocating. 

But...

To quit the thing I love the most- writing, learning and teaching would be the same as dropping the final nail in the coffin of giving up.

So, I'm going to rededicate myself to this blog.  I'm going to rededicate myself to my life.

I'm not sure how things are going to change in my life but something has to.  I want this blog to be about thriving in chronic illness, not just surviving.  Here's to new beginnings...

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