I noticed.
Friday night, after some late meetings in the city, I decided that instead of rushing home to keep working in an empty house...on a Friday night...I would stop at my favorite book store, Barnes and Noble. I really can't remember the last time I just sat. I didn't pull out my phone, I didn't pine for my laptop. I didn't have a stack of my favorite magazines. I just sat with my first, Skinny Starbucks Cocoa with Salted Caramel of the season. I'm pretty sure the girl that made my cocoa wondered what the point was to ordering it with non fat milk but adding caramel and whipping cream. I don't know...go figure! It's how I roll.
I actually noticed, as I sat, that I was breathing. I don't usually notice that I breathe. Mostly, I feel like I'm always holding my breath, about to turn blue.
I noticed that my shoulders were sitting up around my ears which might explain why people were staring at me. I tried to shake out the tension and put them back in their place.
I noticed that my mind was slowing down just a bit instead of racing for some finish line that keeps moving just out reach.
Wow! It was a pretty big moment for me. I realized what an incredibly hard year this has been. I don't usually notice how hard things are until I stop the madness for just a minute. It hasn't just been hard for me, but my whole extended family. We've dealt with a lot of hard things, all of us. I have seen that we all just kind of stumble along, trying to keep not only ourselves but everyone else together. We did alright though. There may be some emotional scars left but, we are in one piece from a family stand point.
For my little family...when I picture us in my mind, I see some pretty torn up and battered people, hobbling along trying to keep smiling. There are glimpses of the toll life has taken nearly every day now. It use to be we would stumble but jump up and get on with getting on. We didn't notice the bruises from the day at all! Not this year. We spend a little more time trying to get back up, not because we choose to, just because we are so tired.
I feel guilty about this. Maybe even a little shame. I know I should be setting the tone for our day and right now, I'm slightly tone deaf and our tune is off, but, then I remember these two quotes by Dieter F. Uchtdorf,
So, I noticed, while I sat in Barnes and Noble on a Friday night that I have slowed down significantly. I guess there is nothing I can really do to change that right now. When you're tired you're tired. Just keep thinking I should care more that I'm falling apart but I don't.
I sat some more. I watched the people around me, wondered about their own stories they could tell. I listened to a man discussing the Book of Proverbs from his open Bible, with a friend on the phone. Interesting. I Finished my Skinny Hot Chocolate and kind of enjoyed being a lonely stranger and in a store full of people who had no preconceived notion of who I should be, what I should be doing, how I should be acting. They had nothing to judge me on, especially now that my shoulders were back were they belonged!
I actually noticed, as I sat, that I was breathing. I don't usually notice that I breathe. Mostly, I feel like I'm always holding my breath, about to turn blue.
I noticed that my shoulders were sitting up around my ears which might explain why people were staring at me. I tried to shake out the tension and put them back in their place.
I noticed that my mind was slowing down just a bit instead of racing for some finish line that keeps moving just out reach.
Wow! It was a pretty big moment for me. I realized what an incredibly hard year this has been. I don't usually notice how hard things are until I stop the madness for just a minute. It hasn't just been hard for me, but my whole extended family. We've dealt with a lot of hard things, all of us. I have seen that we all just kind of stumble along, trying to keep not only ourselves but everyone else together. We did alright though. There may be some emotional scars left but, we are in one piece from a family stand point.
For my little family...when I picture us in my mind, I see some pretty torn up and battered people, hobbling along trying to keep smiling. There are glimpses of the toll life has taken nearly every day now. It use to be we would stumble but jump up and get on with getting on. We didn't notice the bruises from the day at all! Not this year. We spend a little more time trying to get back up, not because we choose to, just because we are so tired.
I feel guilty about this. Maybe even a little shame. I know I should be setting the tone for our day and right now, I'm slightly tone deaf and our tune is off, but, then I remember these two quotes by Dieter F. Uchtdorf,
So, I noticed, while I sat in Barnes and Noble on a Friday night that I have slowed down significantly. I guess there is nothing I can really do to change that right now. When you're tired you're tired. Just keep thinking I should care more that I'm falling apart but I don't.
I sat some more. I watched the people around me, wondered about their own stories they could tell. I listened to a man discussing the Book of Proverbs from his open Bible, with a friend on the phone. Interesting. I Finished my Skinny Hot Chocolate and kind of enjoyed being a lonely stranger and in a store full of people who had no preconceived notion of who I should be, what I should be doing, how I should be acting. They had nothing to judge me on, especially now that my shoulders were back were they belonged!
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