Confessions of an unhappy girl

Three weeks ago, I stumbled onto the 100 Happy Days website.  They challenge people to find one happy thing a day and hashtag it on Facebook or Instagram and their website.   For some reason, this moved me!  They claim that only 71% of people can be happy for 100 days.  It felt like they were challenging me!  So, without really thinking...I jumped into the challenge.

I was so excited about it, I dragged a few unassuming people in with me!

It took all of two days for me to realize this was going to be a harder challenge than I thought it would be.  If you think about it for two seconds, how hard is it to come up with one happy moment a day?  Doesn't sound too hard but trust me to over think something, including happiness!

What is happiness?  All of a sudden it seemed so trivial.  I had no idea what kind of happy moment I could possibly post.  I stumbled through the first two days but really, it seemed so forced and superficial.  I posted a picture of a llama.  He made me smile but I can't say for sure that I was happier in life for having seen him.

One evening, shortly after I started the challenge, Sam and I were driving and I asked him if he thought I was a happy person.  He said, "Yes!" Then, he asked me if I thought he was a happy person.
"Well, I think you are happy as long as you are doing something but really, I don't think inside you are happy.  I think you are scared and sad and maybe even angry."
His eyes pierced through me!  "Am I wrong?"
He quietly shook his head 'No' and turned to look out the window. I was not prepared for what he said next, "I'm sorry."

I'M SORRY!??  What an interesting choice of words that completely sums up the world's view of happiness!  When it comes right down to it, I don't think we are allowed to be unhappy!  People just want us to be happy.  They don't want to hear about your problems. They don't want to see you down. They don't or can't deal with that.

I occasionally post on Facebook, just random stuff and nothing really jars people too much but it's interesting to me that when I posted the Llama, I got more comments about that than anything and not on Facebook but to my face!  Lots of people all said the same kind of thing..."It's so nice to see you so happy!"  or  "Wow, it's great to see something happy on your timeline."  I felt ashamed and wanted to run away from my very hard life!  How dare I not be happier! I was mad at myself.  I felt guilty that I let my dying children squelch my happiness and zest for life and living!

But at the same time...How seriously messed up is that?  As if a llama changed my life but that's how people were acting!  Like all of a sudden, I had come to my senses! The truth is, I haven't been any 'happier' the past three weeks than I usually am!  

Now, I really want to quit the happiness challenge because it means nothing to me and happiness has become so shallow in this messed up culture of tweets and 140 character posts just because we need to make ourselves look good, better than we are.  Happier than the next guy. Happiness has become nothing more than filling our life up with things, stuff, superficial stuff that fills the empty voids we can't admit exist.

Ahhh, the quandaries of life.

I told Sam that he had nothing to be sorry for.  I appreciated his honesty.  He then said, "It's just that, I hear the doctors tell me that I may not live very long or at least have all kinds of cancer but I don't feel like I'm dying but what if I really am.  How am I suppose to act?  Am I suppose to be happy about it? I don't know how to be, I just need someone to tell me how to be."

Very wise boy...I wish I had a wise answer for him...Just be.  Just be what comes up each day Sam.  Just be you.  Be happy, be sad, be scared, be joyful, be smart, be tired, be real and be true...That's all you can expect to be and it's okay! Whatever that is for the day...it's okay.

Life is tricky for us but I'm learning to care less about what the world and my 'friends' expect from me and just Be...Happy or not.

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