'WHEN!'
When I was in high school, there was a popular, somewhat derogatory phrase going around that has taken on new meaning to me now. "Look at her," kids would say, "It looks like she was poured into those pants and forgot to say 'When'." I'm sure you can visualize the kind of girl they were referring to, super tight jeans that seemed to be a better fit for a 2nd grader than a mature 12th grader, a big ol' muffin top spilling over the waistband paired with a shirt that was 3 sizes too small.
Lately, this is how I feel; too big for this world, too big for life; like I was poured into these chronic health problems and forgot to say 'when'. I kind have a lot more than I need or want or have any idea what to do with. I have been less than prepared to feel these emotions of being too big, my life too unbelievable.
Part of the growing pains we are feeling right now, aside from trying to establish some new patterns of living is just trying to find a place to fit emotionally. We are really good at rallying around the acute problems, problems that have a clear and defining end with at least one doable solution. We aren't very good at the long haul. I'm not very good at the long haul. I think I am slowly reaching that point where I have to assess how I look at life, my friends, my habits, my patterns of thinking and try to live this chronic life better than I have been. The only problem is, I have no idea how to do that.
I have no idea how to keep three sick and tired kids from getting too depressed and discouraged as well as myself and all the responsibility that falls on my shoulders. I don't know anymore how to balance the bad times with good times, this moment with the next let alone the future moments I worry so much about. I'm not loving the dynamics of this place. It takes alot to find the joy in the journey and the further I get down this road of sickness, the bigger I feel and the smaller the pants of my life seem to get. It's uncomfortable!
Lately, this is how I feel; too big for this world, too big for life; like I was poured into these chronic health problems and forgot to say 'when'. I kind have a lot more than I need or want or have any idea what to do with. I have been less than prepared to feel these emotions of being too big, my life too unbelievable.
Part of the growing pains we are feeling right now, aside from trying to establish some new patterns of living is just trying to find a place to fit emotionally. We are really good at rallying around the acute problems, problems that have a clear and defining end with at least one doable solution. We aren't very good at the long haul. I'm not very good at the long haul. I think I am slowly reaching that point where I have to assess how I look at life, my friends, my habits, my patterns of thinking and try to live this chronic life better than I have been. The only problem is, I have no idea how to do that.
I have no idea how to keep three sick and tired kids from getting too depressed and discouraged as well as myself and all the responsibility that falls on my shoulders. I don't know anymore how to balance the bad times with good times, this moment with the next let alone the future moments I worry so much about. I'm not loving the dynamics of this place. It takes alot to find the joy in the journey and the further I get down this road of sickness, the bigger I feel and the smaller the pants of my life seem to get. It's uncomfortable!
Man! I have been absent from the blogs for a while and I was just catching up on yours. It really is too bad we can't just say "when." I am so impressed with how you handle it all. I think we do our best and then God will make up the difference. A friend of mine once said something that really touched me--she was talking about some mistakes she had made as a mother and then she said that the atonement is powerful enough to make up for our shortcomings as parents. All things considered, you are amazing, simply because you get out of bed each day and keep going. That is impressive--that is why people whose complaints are laundry apologize, I'm sure. I know that we just do things because we have to, I'm familiar with that and I don't want hero status either. But truly, you are doing a better job than you think you are. Hang in there!
ReplyDelete