Maybes and What Ifs

I don't usually compare my life to other's life.  I don't usually think about just how extraordinary we are but lately, those seem to be the thoughts that consume my mind.  I'm not sure it's a good place for me to hang out. 

On Sunday, as I looked around the congregation, I became slightly jealous of all the healthy, happy kids I saw.  A little jealous of the new babies, a picture of health.  A tad envious as I heard the girls talking about their college plans, footloose and free, nothing holding them back, good health and grades that will get them into any college they want.  Families with a mom and a dad at home, stable finances, support,  dancing classes and t-ball along with packed calendars of all the other possible activities most kids participate in.  They send them off and never worry about things like, I wonder how long it will take for him to recover from this exertion, how many germs will they pick up, or I wonder if his heart will give him pain tonight and a million other questions pertaining to their poor health. 

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't resentful or even angry and I am usually happy and excited to see the accomplishments of other kids, my friends, whatever, which is why the jealousy and sadness I felt really caught me off guard. 

Monday night was High School registration.  We were having a disasterous time trying to do the online registration, mostly because I missed the meeting, the memos, everything because I was taking care of Sam last week and was consumed with that.  In a fit, I called the school at 7pm and a counselor answered which was a total fluke!  She told me to come down and they would help me, for which I was so grateful.  It was hard to have the Vice Principle go through Spencer's grades and classes as he helped us get the classes Spencer wanted. I'm sure he was thinking what a poor excuse for a mom I was.  It was hard to read the new guidelines for course selection so that they can get the most out of their education before starting College.  I guess I've been too busy studying other things, not college entry requirements.

As we sat, staring at all the C's and D's on Spencer's transcript, I felt bad for him.  I feel like I've let him down.  Maybe if I could have been there more for him, supported him more, prodded more, he would have better grades.  Maybe if he didn't miss half a trimester due to illness, he would have better grades.  Maybe's and What if's will kill you, if you aren't careful.  I feel badly that the life we have is such a bully.  It sucks out our energy, our hopes, our dreams and makes us all tired, too tired to even think beyond tomorrow let alone the future.  I see that in Spencer.  I see that he has been worn out for so long with health problems that school hardly matters anymore but at the same time, I see him daring to dream.

He's been looking at University of Washington as a place to go to school.  He has already researched about tuition, grades, etc all on his own.  After Monday night, he said, "Mom, with these stupid grades, I'm not going to get in anywhere! Why bother at this point?"

So, he's feeling a little beat up these days.  Aren't we all, but in our usual fashion, we will pull up our boot straps, find our happy face and keep on truckin.  There's always something to bother with even when we think there isn't.  If Spencer were to get a grade on the way he lives his life, I would give him an 'A'.  A solid 'A' with a plus for being kind, graceful in his trials, helpful and willing to take on any hardship that comes his way.  All my kids do!  I guess we need to stop thinking in terms of school being the end all and be all of our existence and not every grade matters and we will never be like everyone else.