The Things We Do...

To be normal! 

I hate being abnormal.  I'm sure none of us really love being set apart from the mainstream of life.  We all want to fit in, hasn't it always been this way?  From the moment we set foot in kindergarten, we realize what it takes to be a part of the greater whole.  When we deviate, we quickly learn how to take the bullying or fall back into line and run with the crowd.

On the weekend, I had to make a trip to a neighboring town to the home of a family I know is struggling. Their struggles right now are pretty devastating.  Their family life is in a shambles but they don't know that I know.  Still, when I came to their front door, the facade of happiness was oozing from the hinges.  A smile with hollow eyes filled their faces. I left feeling very curious, wondering what is so hard about being honest. 

From Shelbie's seat in the car, she noticed the same uncomfortable emptiness and said, "Why are they trying so hard to look like everythings okay?" 

I don't know why we do it.  I don't know why I do it.  My kids do it.  They would rather have their fingernails removed one by one than appear to be suffering or sick to their friends.  They do things to appear normal when they can hardly lift their head off the couch because they too, just want to be normal.

Today, I met with a man who mentors people trying to start a business.  He sort of holds your hand through the whole process.  When the interview began, he asked me to tell him about the details of my life and why I want to start a business as opposed to getting a job at 7-11.  I began to tell the Disney version of my life, heavy on the sugar coating to prevent information overload.  Well, didn't work!  The man put his pen down, rubbed his eyes and groaned, "Kathy, you don't need a job, you need a miracle!"

I could feel the ever present lump creeping up to find it's rightful place in my throat and once settled, I knew the tears would start.  I shifted uncomfortably in my chair and tried to offer some remedy that would make us 'normal' once again, at least to him.  I couldn't find the words in all my stuttering to make this awkward situation manageable. 

We are big. A big, awkward family.  We fill the moments of each day with big problems and small solutions.  We overwhelm people with the size of our struggles.  I feel like we are taking up too much room on the bus.  Somedays, I even feel too big for this world.   That must be why I like small things, miniature things.  I like small houses,  small cars.   I make small things, I dish up small servings at dinner.  Everything I do is on a small scale  because the rest of my life is so big, so consuming. 

It should have been a hopeful, empowering meeting but I walked away feeling defeated, abnormal and hopeless...and BIG.
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Comments

  1. Small solutions make into big solutions... you are an amazing mother and person. You have a wonderful family :) keep keeping on

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  2. Kathy you are really amazing, you are doing an unbelievable job with a superhuman effort.. I believe with all my hearth that you are also making very BIG steps on God's path of purification..

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