Deeper feelings

This week on the mitochondrial Facebook page which I am a groupie of, a member posted a link to an article written by a mom whose only child has a fatal genetic disease called Tay Sachs.  It is a beautifully written and touching memoir of motherhood and chronic illness.  If you want to read it, grab yourself a tissue or two and read it here.   I've read it three or four times and each time the connection I feel with this mother, Emily Rapp is amazing.  She verbalizes what I so often feel.

I sort of feel guilty even trying to compare myself to her.  I have had much more than 3 years with my kids and will probably have many more but lots of the feelings I have are an echo of hers.  I too have learned many lessons over the years, some the hard way.  I have learned how grief and sadness can change you into someone who loves deeper and cares more.  It's changed the way I see my children and myself.  We don't wait for tomorrow, we live for today.

Everyday brings with it a new set of uncertainties, new worries and new wonders for the kids.  Everyday, deep in the back of my mind, I prepare to lose them but hope beyond hope that I won't.  Not a day goes by that someone doesn't bring up the subject of death or dying.  Talks like that stall the day but we seem to find our way back to our comfy corner of 'that happens to others, not us'.

I love Emily's analogy of being a Dragon Mom.  I am indeed a Dragon Mom. My firey spirit won't back down.  I will suck the life out of each moment, each tear that is shed I will love even more.  In the suffering lies wisdom. 

Emily Rapp's essay brings a sharper focus into the day.  I have been feeling overwhelmed and even resentful lately as the cares of the world steal away time with my kids.  Doesn't this jobless world know I have three special kids who deserve my attention more than my meager and dwindling savings account or meaningless job that brings me a couple dollars for groceries but leaves a gaping debt with my kids?  I hate the burdens I carry right now but unfortunately, the world doesn't care of my deepest concerns.  It doesn't care how precious each moment with my kids is so I forge ahead the best I can, hoping the regret of wasted time now is small.  Peace is what I am searching for as I love my kids even deeper today than yesterday.