We have a plan

It's been a long day but after a lot of time spent with the surgeon, Spencer will have his gall bladder removed on Tuesday along with a scope and several biopsies.  I just pray we are doing the right thing.  Most anyone without a gall bladder does just fine but Spencer is not just anyone.  He is a boy with a complex set of other problems including malabsorption and a liver and pancreas that have been known to struggle at times.  I don't fully understand what the consequeces of this will be but I know this is only the beginning of a long road. I really need to find a way to increase my faith and trust in my decision without looking back, worrying about the what if's.  I asked Spencer as we left the office of the Surgeon what he was feeling.  He said in all the wisdom of an almost 16 year old, "Mom, this is the right thing to do.  Please don't worry, I'm not worried. It's going to be okay."  Inside I'm screaming while grinding my teeth to fine powder, "Ahhhhhh, I don't want to be the one to make all these hard decisions!" 

When I got home, I had a message waiting for me that a young boy with SDS passed away last night waiting for a bone marrow match.  So sad.  I wish this didn't feel so real and so heavy.  I even wish we had never gone to Seattle.  None of these emotions would be so close to the surface and whirling about with such confusion.  I would still be living in la la land, happy that everything was just FINE! 

The other weird thing is is that I feel like I am living totally separate lives.  I have this life full of fear and worry yet another life I lead that is so calm knowing full well that God has a plan and I will not frustrate that plan and all things will be as they should be in the moment they are.  At the same time these two lives are colliding, I have yet another that is still laughing and having fun with her kids as if there is nothing wrong.  Each of these parts has a different depth and dimension.  It is so strange to be me.